NOT SO HAPPY GO LUCKY

so i haven't been around to writing i guess you can say i'm a bit depressed with all thats going on but that does not, should not stop me from LIVING... so how am i living now a days that things don't look so honky dory, well that's the same kind of question i ask myself quite a bit on a daily basis... so i treat myself to stuff that at another time i would leave for tomorrow and of course naturally i cannot do it all nor do i expect that but its become important to hear those chirping sounds ah so early in the morning while i sip my coffee and feel the warmth of summer on my face i gaze over to see some lizards just hanging out, i take a shower and put on that bath oil i've saved for a special occasion, put make-up make sure that i'm tidy and off to work. on my drive to work i listen to the music full blast and sing along (with the windows down gee i don't care)once i'm there i greet everyone that i pass offer a free smile and a happy hello. i try really hard to complete my duties at work come home and prepare exactly what it is i want to eat(i'm a bit picky) and enjoy and savor each and every bite. for right now this to me is living being good to myself without hurting my pocket,i do want to start walking and i want to go to a play or two and of course get into that dreaded closet of mine and clear it out... soon cris will be off to hopefully get better an then i'll have less stressful days and nights and i can reconnect with myself, i've kind of gotten lost with the hustle and busle of all these problems and i don't want that to be the center of my life.

OVERCOMING THE OUTCOME

so i find myself searching for answers and trying to cope with a lot and i realize once again just how blessed i am and how much i love life. its awkward how when we are faced with difficulties regarding our health we embrace life and try to grab it by the horns or at least i feel that way. living with a disease that slowly debilitates you can most certainly alter any ones life it has to me.so i've changed my ways and managed to defy the odds and it just so happen that i was just fine for the longest leaving my disease on the back burner and not letting that be the center of attention in my life, but recently i've been feeling ill and know that i must address this but really i'm scared i'm frightened while receiving treatment for the recent outbreak of the shingles i enrolled in a clinic to start managing this and met my doctor, i must say that i will dedicate a full blog to him. doc says i'm not well i really don't have a lot to play with and he shows concern explains the pros and cons and suggest i be on medication. i put things in perspective and agree to start a regimen that requires a whole lot of commitment. the medications are really strong the effects are not the best but i'm confident that my body will respond in time to them and slowly the effects will diminish, but every day i have this reminder and i've been there before and it made me angry, angry that i was sick and had to deal with this this also played a part in me not being compliant with treatment. years later i'm in the same predicament but choose to see the blessings of life... i'm scared but i'm safe i'm weak but i'm strong i'm frighten but i'm not alone i realize that i am a soldier a survivor and a true warrior, i will fight this that and every thing that comes my way...

KNOCK KNOCK

yesterday as i was preparing dinner there's a knock on the door, it was loud and hard, i kind of jumped and instantly entered the defensive mood. as i walk towards the door i think that i must have thought of hundreds of scenarios that could be. when i get to the door i was in shock, i was stunned and for a moment disappointed. it was my daughter nicole, i was shocked because i hadn't seen her in about a year and a half and i was disappointed because we were not at our best. i opened the door, immediately she hollered mom; i kind of spaced out and then thought let me just ride this out and see; i welcomed her in and we spoke briefly, she asked questions and i answered i tried really hard to stay focused on the here and now and in the reason why this is happening in this precise moment, i know that nicole has struggled thru out her life and she might well be in a bind but i don't want to ask i don't want to give opinions i can't, been there done that and it doesn't work we don't see eye to eye so i give her a card with my number and become accessible to her again and i guess that then i'll try to work on this as it comes up we have a lot of baggage that has just sat there and i don't see any sense in trying to rehash because its done its over so i will live and let live, forgive to be forgiven, and provide the support a parent can give to an adult child

SIMPLE ARITHMITIC

so as i'm here recuperating from all of this dilemma following directions to the tee, hardly even sleeping since the meds are every 5 hours trying to be stress free to avoid further damage to myself, today the hospital bill arrives!!! $10,900.00 plus. STRESS big time. so i look over this here freaking bill that i know there is no way in heaven that i can pay in a lifetime and with the care and diagnosis i got at that hospital i just might have only scratched the surface. $1,689.00 for parking and simply walking in(e.r. general) $1404.40 lab work(to tell me what i didn't have) $966.00 chest x-ray(went in with abdominal pain) $2,278.00 pelvic c- ct(remember i have the shingles) $401.00 ekg(hello i have the shingles people) $6,338.40----$6,338.40 for driving up to the hospital telling them i'm in pain and them performing test to tell me what i don't have"wow" ok no problem i must still be under the influence of that there dilaudid that was injected in my system. the total bill is $10,993.90 if i subtract all this nonsense of $6,338.40 there is a remaining balance of $4,655.50. but get this the hospital is providing an adjustment of $$4,385.56 leaving a unresolved balance of $239.94 i can live with that. now you do the math. see what i mean? now the question is will their billing dept? wish me luck!

MY EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

as things continue to spiral and at times i feel i'm lost i look i seek and i ask for enlightenment, and although this to me may be painful it is necessary in order to continue!

it's painful because of my perception how at times i feel that this is what it is and there's no turning back. like everything that's happening i deserve, and today after so long of looking and seeking, i get it. i'm on a journey with many paths and trails, there are times were the scenery is bright and breathtaking and there are times where they are dark and scary, i cannot stand still i must continue no matter what stands ahead. it doesn't matter which way i hike something will come up its real, its life we continue. along the way i pick up bits and pieces of skills to survive and continue,its what we all will do while we are living

LEGAL DRUGS

working in the mental health field for over 16 years i feel that i have been exposed to some knowledge of certain types of medications and their effects and side effects, not only psychotropic meds but all in general most of the times our clients manage to have other medical issues going on, and as their case managers well that's where we learn due to our involvement. so now this care giver is requiring care herself which mind you is a bit difficult for me to swallow since i am so independent and controlling but god willing only for a couple of days!! i'm under medical attention and obviously under medication one of which i would like to place an ALERT on; VICODIN or it's generic equivalent: BEWARE this was given to me for pain, mind you yes the shingles are painful but i'm really not sure that i needed such a potent drug. i took the pill as prescribed thank god i was home at not alone. it was at bedtime and but 15 mins later when i went to lay down i felt dizzy i rested my head on on unrecognized object and grabbed the sheets to hold on to the bed the whole room was spinning and a hot sensation thru my body that was weird i knew i was entering a place that i did not want to travel, i was tripping!!! the next day with pain i thought that i could cut the pill in half and see how that would go; well here's the problem the pain ceased yes but i got a buzz, you know that i feel good sensation, yep im okay... why why why do these pharmaceutical multimillion dollar company allow that. are they banking on our addiction to their products?? look you can't seek something you don't find. if i find a buzz in a medication well the addict in me is gonna want more. what is this chemical, and is it necessary for us to get better or is it for them to get RICH? i know that right now i'm not in the disposition to fight this especially since i'm under their spell, numb lips and all but it sure is something that can easily turn around someones life and mess it up; their are millions of people out their addicted to prescription medication that one day simply went to the doctor for an ailment and HUALA before they know it that i feel good kicks in and their doomed. so what i'm saying is be strong,stay positive,be good to yourself; and if you still require such care get educated!!!

THE ILL DOCTOR

today i'm appalled frustrated and disgusted!!! after spending the weekend in and out of the hospital i learn a tough lesson: if you don't like what you do QUIT. i was experiencing pain during the week that at one point or another thought that i could tolerate however as the week progressed i noticed that the pain was a bit more than i could handle; so i called my primary physician and was instructed to come in on Monday and if the pain was intolerable to go to the emergency room. Friday night the pain was at a level that i was squirming and decided to go to the e.r. my pain was in the right side of my abdomen close to the liver, gall bladder etc. several test were performed of which all came back negative, of course there was a relief, however the pain was real and there must be a reason, the doctor agreed to perform a cat scan that revealed gastritis i was given pain medication that was awful; i felt dizzy, hot, nauseated, hallucinated, and felt creepy crawlies on my skin, i was tripping it was horrendous, i don't ever want to feel that way,i had no control over my speech, all i could think of was how i wanted control of my body. the effects passed and i was sent home with instructions, and if symptoms persisted that i should return. about 3 a.m. Sunday morning the pain had reached an intolerable level and i was throwing up so i returned to the e.r. there i met DR. JOHN D. MARSHALL attending physician at MERCY HOSPITAL. to try to make things simpler i provided all the documentation of my discharge along with the test results. the dr. walked in and stated that i had nothing i'm trying to explain that the symptoms worsened and that's why i'm retuning and the pain is to great for me to handle also i pointed out that the medication that was given to me the night before was way to strong and that i did not assimilate it well.i explain to him as well that i was in recovery for 17 years and would like some pain relief in the synthetic field. his arrogance and lack of professionalism caused him to say to me "i'm going to give you pain medication but don't come back here are we clear" clear i was that he was a miserable son of a bitch that passed judgement and his opinions or beliefs did not allow for me to receive what i was seeking MEDICAL ATTENTION. when i got home i wanted to shower and i asked for assistance and was told that i had blisters on my back, i took a bath and looked at my back it was full of a rash, shingles was my guess. i spent all of Sunday in increasing pain and with that bastards statement well i grinned and beared it. today finally came, i was diagnosed with the shingles just looking at it was suffice! it had ruptured and had taken over a pretty large area in my back and crawled its way to the front side of my body, the shingles reproduces itself quick. well all of this could have been avoided if this so called dr would have taken the time to look and search for what was wrong i'm blessed that despite the severity of the shingles and how they reproduced in such a short time there is a cure! i don't think doc has a cure for what he's got

I'M FINE

as i sit here today trying to make sense of my life and all that unfolds i could easily fall into this well known space that brings me down and all that surrounds me,i know its not easy i've heard it plenty of times, but does that make it easier? to be told i'm not alone can be comforting, but what does that really mean? to me its like when you greet someone and ask how they are. more than likely your expecting a "i'm fine"response. what does fine really mean: F*cked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional we smile and say fine and go our separate ways; we know thing are not fine and if someone even tries to express anything other, you see faces and reasons to quickly dissolve the greeting... who are we fooling? why is it so hard for people to reach out?call me stupid but let me tell you that despite all the things that come my way i feel a need to make someones day whether its a complement a joke or just to lead an ear its important, the simple fact of just acknowledging someone is sufficient for them to realize that they are important. in every mind there is a universe and every person has a story, there are many powerful messages out there if only we were to listen. i've mentioned before the extraordinary opportunity that was handed to me at work holding weekly workshops to our homeless population, i've been going there about 4 months now, of course at first i'd share and share some more, about stressors life in general until i shared my story raw and uncut. last week i met an middle aged lady, she soft spoken, petite seemed somewhat average, but what a powerful message did she share; this lady is a recovering alcoholic, homeless at present. she shared a message of hope and perseverance, she shared how she was married and had two children, her marriage ended in divorce and she took to drinking. she kept it a secret for years but it took its toll,at one point in her life she was shot 3 times and left for dead by her assailants and despite all of that she still managed to hit the bottle after escaping death. she searched and seeked that one person that she would identify with, that one person that would acknowledge her; would she then take the leap of faith. today this strong woman with her powerful message has given me hope and strength, i took the time to listen and learn... and for that, today i might not be fine but just simply okay!

UNSCREWING MYSELF

so as i sit here and contemplate what to jot down, i am bombarded with thoughts and am having a hard time sorting things out. i want so desperately to just be,have some kind of normalcy in my life and kind of go with the flow; i sit and wonder just exactly what that would be i have no answer and if i don't have answers for my problems well then i guess i'm screwed uh, so i set aside trying to think what it would be like if things were different and focus on what needs to change

PRAYER

at a time in my life that i was a bit more spiritual i would tend to ask god for strength and tolerance so i could deal with all the things that were coming my way. no matter how much i'd ask, pray, plead, or bargain, things would spiral and get out of control i would encounter such circumstances that i would have so many questions and such little answers but still i'd pray and ask for strength and tolerance and hope to believe that god was watching and listening and my prayers would be answered i felt confused and alone, i'd wonder if it's that i'm not such a good person and that's why i'm still in this predicament, i just didn't know i thought that i was being punished, doomed, cursed; and i was, but only to myself i realized that although many mistakes later i'm not such a bad person and even if i feel alone i'm not cause there's this good person that never leaves my completely alone, that these predicament's are a part of life that i must experience, and the curse can always be broken today i pray: god give me the knowledge show me the answers let me be weak and humble instill in me love and understanding with your love and understanding provide this weak and humble soul the answers and knowledge to face my reality and make the best of it my prayers were answered when i was asking for strength and tolerance; but today i'm a bit more careful as what to pray for, do i need all that strength should i have so much tolerance or do i want knowledge and answers, love and understanding?

TIME WITH DAD

a few months ago i had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know an elderly couple; they are in there early 80s, married for about 50 plus years. almost immediately there was a bond established amongst us, it was instant. i'm not sure where that came from but i have an idea; the old fragile man reminded me of my dad, not so much physically but i guess that his serenity and vulnerability were what called my attention. i've visited them from time to time and would be fascinated by just the fact of their excitement of my visits. yesterday he had a massive stroke, i felt like i hadn't given them enough time, i'm not ready to let go; i drove to see his wife to kind of just provide some kind of moral support, she needed to run some errands so off we went she seemed distant, lost and there's not much i could do; later that evening i decided that i wanted to visit him at the hospital; i hadn't been there since my dads stay and as soon as i hit the parking lot all i could remember was dad, my dad had a stroke he passed about 18 months ago, i never had a relationship with him we were never around each other(see entry: my parents) dad managed to survive 11 plus months after his stroke; thru out this time i pledged to myself that i would make amends with my dad and establish memories that would last a life time i remember going to see him and just talking about stuff we were able to bond forgive and truly forget, the peace of making amends is practically unexplainable, it is a relief a beginning, although my beginning was at its end,the time was sufficient for the purpose that i had set out for. i let my father know that i was truly sorry for all the hurt that i caused him and i believe that he accepted my apologies, we cried and embraced ,hugged and let go. my dad died, but he did it in peace and with dignity, and even though i was not around i'm blessed that i was able to be with him at the end. today that old fragile man; the one that would remind me of dad; died may he rest in peace and may god watch over his widow

WAR

today it all could have been good but something inside just didn't feel right call it premonition or instinct its that feeling that despite all your efforts to put aside everything that's going on and try to forgive and forget and stay positive, it lurks in the back burner, until well; SMOKE. where there's smoke there's fire, although this to me was a small camp fire it could easily have gotten out of control. cris was caught in an act that well i'll just say was a bit precarious as i confronted him out of no where this kid just blew up its frightening to see your child out of control especially when there's a history of self mutilation and deep deep troubles that haunt him it was a matter of seconds and to hear your son voice out his desire to end his life is a feeling that i think no matter how much i try to explain i can't. i'm desperate, i'm alone, i'm scared, there's this big knot in my throat and a pain on my chest that literally feels as if someone was stepping on me,cris walks out; so with all that's happened in a matter of seconds i call the police i should have them on speed dial by now the police react immediately with the information that is provided and not 5 minutes later they showed up with cris, there was definitely a sigh of relief as i know that today will not be the day that i am to get that dreaded call i so don't want, i've been there before as a matter of fact twice that will be another entry as i don't think that i can share that quite yet. so back to the crisis unit for evals, meds, and referrals; remember that cris was discharged yesterday after he settles down he already knows what to say and how to act in order to come home and do as he pleases. i understand that the crisis unit is not the solution nor is it a mini residential program but the options are limited and i have no other choice but to pursue him being hospitalized for his safety and my peace of mind as a parent. i ask one question today; must the red flags be tainted with blood? something has to give my children are just that children, they are not aliens from another planet and their behaviors are probably not unique although as a parent i feel alone; as i fight this battle i'm baffled,i'm stunned and i'm tired, its been up hill so far and the cargo i'm pulling gets heavier and heavier. the war has been declared and my fight will not cease, while there is still breath in me i will fight, i will fight for my children to be given the opportunity, to be content rather than happy, to be productive instead of successful, and being content and productive will be a success story for them to grasp and build on that foundation. the war is on, there is a purpose ,there is a need. i will not surrender... i remain insane

DISCHARGE PLAN

well sure enough the time has come where cris must come home from the hospital, as a matter of fact i was surprised that the stay was so long. most of the time they are discharged within 3 to 4 days cris's stay was 6 days. prior to the discharge there is a meeting that is held in this case it was both of us and the team leader your instructed not to upset the child or bring up past history i always wonder what that's about and how can we resolve if in fact its not brought up while its fresh but none the less i follow instructions and try to make sense of all of this as i desperately refrain myself from falling apart i whisper "how are you" and then there's silence no response no remorse no eye contact. i feel like screaming i start to imagine how he's feeling and of course the guilt kicks in and i'm drawn into this dark hole by someone a third of my age quickly i realize that that is not going to take me anywhere,so i regroup and try to stay positive the meeting is adjourned and i'm instructed that i should pick up cris tomorrow by 2 pm great i think well we've been down this road oh about 15 times, what can possibly be different now, but you know what i chose to just live today and tomorrow we'll see the plan inpatient substance abuse treatment (hello we've been there twice) follow up medication management individual therapy as far as the medication goes i can't shove it down his throat and if i am aware that he is actively using i refuse to administer him meds! individual therapy well he doesn't say a word other than i don't want to talk about it you know what i don't want to live it!!! but all that sounds great and dandy but the reality is ONE these are the cards that were dealt to me so i can either play or draw today i choose to play

NO SEX IN THIS CITY

well as a 47 plus woman straight smack in the middle of MENOPAUSE sex to me is well gross. i'm not really sure when it started looking like this but its been awhile. its just that i'm not motivated and sometimes my ill thinking causes me to wonder why. i work a full time job then i do volunteer work you know the one we as women get shafted with cooking cleaning laundry well you get it and it doesn't end there the list is endless. my day starts at about 6 am and most of the time i'm up til about 10pm doing chores at that time while all thru out i've been ignored and practically invisible i'm noticed as soon as i climb into bed, why is that? it doesn't matter if i'm groomed or what my significant other (we'll call him jackson just maybe to allow myself to fantasize while i write) will turn over and start kneading my breasts or whatever he's able to grab on to. come on where were you for the past 5 hours and if you were so tired to help why are you not sound asleep? this can at times turn into an argument so i opt out to just yep just say forget it buddy!! i also must mention that its not only that it must also be this hormonal imbalance that i'm going thru because sometimes i just can't stand him and sometimes i can't stand myself i personally don't take it personal , if only he could do the same. then there's the other scenario that occurs from time to time where i guess that he just can't take it anymore and kindly tells me honey leave the chores don't worry come lay down rest, well i've rode that avenue and the last thing that i can do is rest cause he's not going to let me uh. plus i'm truly insulted because what is he really saying, hey just do double work tomorrow. so i constantly am looking for ways to avoid this thing that so greatly irritates me (sex) i'll stay up til later and wait til the snoring reaches a certain level then i can creep into bed and be as invisible as i was awhile ago,i upgraded to a king size bed thinking that those 20 inches would give me some sort of independence and of course the one that requires the most effort and i leave only for emergencies is that big plate of hot solid food you know the one that makes you real sleepy. well for now i guess that i'll just kind of ride it out and see if something gives. you know jackson is so anal that if he was to read the title he'd probably suggest that we move to the country, and you know what i'd say yes with only one condition can i go by my self

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

is it so that a dog is man's best friend? well i have two beautiful precious doggies at home and one thing that i can say is that they are always happy to greet me when i arrive home unlike the other people that i live with. no matter how long you stay out keep them in the yard scold them for chewing on something or worse doing pp in the middle of the living room they are willing to forgive and forget. there is something in the way that they look at me that just makes me believe that i am their world. their disposition is remarkable, they are always willing and able, no matter what time it is their there, no complaints no hassle. i remember a couple of years ago i had surgery back then i only had c.c. boy that girl stayed by my side she would lay next to me as if she was stuck to my body, if i moved she'd look to make sure things were ok i talk to my dogs, i feel that they not only listen but understand. the attentiveness that they are able to give is astounding, so i compare and analyze and come up with these conclusions: my dogs listen to me more than my children they seem to understand what is expected they provide eye contact their happy to see me home their obedient and they provide awhole lotta love as awkward as it may seem it appears that i have done a better job in raising my pets than my children. i don't understand why this journey has been so difficult...

i mean i talk to my children i provide all the basic needs that they have required, i try to support them on the positive things that they would like to accomplish, i try to set an example , i've had more patience than you know, and tolerance up the ying yang. but it all falls back to"it is what it is" and i guess that for now i can take all the love that my pets give me and feel good about that so i can focus on staying positive for my children that need me