WAR

today it all could have been good but something inside just didn't feel right call it premonition or instinct its that feeling that despite all your efforts to put aside everything that's going on and try to forgive and forget and stay positive, it lurks in the back burner, until well; SMOKE. where there's smoke there's fire, although this to me was a small camp fire it could easily have gotten out of control. cris was caught in an act that well i'll just say was a bit precarious as i confronted him out of no where this kid just blew up its frightening to see your child out of control especially when there's a history of self mutilation and deep deep troubles that haunt him it was a matter of seconds and to hear your son voice out his desire to end his life is a feeling that i think no matter how much i try to explain i can't. i'm desperate, i'm alone, i'm scared, there's this big knot in my throat and a pain on my chest that literally feels as if someone was stepping on me,cris walks out; so with all that's happened in a matter of seconds i call the police i should have them on speed dial by now the police react immediately with the information that is provided and not 5 minutes later they showed up with cris, there was definitely a sigh of relief as i know that today will not be the day that i am to get that dreaded call i so don't want, i've been there before as a matter of fact twice that will be another entry as i don't think that i can share that quite yet. so back to the crisis unit for evals, meds, and referrals; remember that cris was discharged yesterday after he settles down he already knows what to say and how to act in order to come home and do as he pleases. i understand that the crisis unit is not the solution nor is it a mini residential program but the options are limited and i have no other choice but to pursue him being hospitalized for his safety and my peace of mind as a parent. i ask one question today; must the red flags be tainted with blood? something has to give my children are just that children, they are not aliens from another planet and their behaviors are probably not unique although as a parent i feel alone; as i fight this battle i'm baffled,i'm stunned and i'm tired, its been up hill so far and the cargo i'm pulling gets heavier and heavier. the war has been declared and my fight will not cease, while there is still breath in me i will fight, i will fight for my children to be given the opportunity, to be content rather than happy, to be productive instead of successful, and being content and productive will be a success story for them to grasp and build on that foundation. the war is on, there is a purpose ,there is a need. i will not surrender... i remain insane