HAPPY HOLIDAYS

FAMILY THERA-POOP

as sad as this may sound i'm thinking that all this therapy is really not getting us very far. i understand and accept the fact that one must try to make stuff work as i also greatly understand that we can only change ourselves, for the moment i am particularly ok with who i am and where i've gotten as a person, i am very well aware that although i have a part to play in this mess i am not the primary participant,so that brings me here where i'm tired of wasting my time in these sessions when all awhile all i want is to be freed of these nearly adult children that have practically taken me to the verge of suicide or worse even giving up... i'm very sadden by this reality but my feelings are valid and one thing that i'm clear on is that i am not a masochist,i ask that i be enlighten and come to terms with whats real and have the ability to accept my children as people and disassociate there behaviors and actions with how i feel... this in turn is all in my hands and heart and as time passes i ask that i am able to forgive and forget to put aside the barriers that are now separating us for one day they will be permanent...

 

I DO (NOT)

as a little girl i guess that i dreamed of getting married and having a family of my own, it would be my school sweetheart and i would have had a couple of children, a cozy home with that desired white picket fence we all dream of, we'd raise our offspring together and have our summer vacations, as we accomplished our goals we would praise each other for our successes and we'd watch our children grow up so fast that before we knew they were off on there own and then we'd start all over again experiencing the bliss of our relationship... wishful thinking or perhaps a terrible nightmare i'm not sure. yes eventually i married, had children not necessarily in that order and as for the summer vacations they were more like torture and that white picket fence was traded in for black iron bars... i understand that being in a relationship is hard work and constantly needs to be worked on. i also understand that a lot of sharing is involved but give me a break... my towel, my pjs, my perfume, my fds, yes correct the feminine deodorant spray, oh and get this my summers eve wash, yep that too... you know i can't hack that its a bit hard to swallow, i'm very picky and don't like anyone touching my stuff much less using it especially without asking. at times i smell a familiar fragrance and sure enough my husband smells like me i hate it, and as for some of my clothes don't get me wrong he's not a cross dresser it's that i wear boy shorts as underwear and seeing him having them on is appalling and when i confront him its always the same shit "i didn't realize" i wind up cutting them up and throwing them away... hey just cause i sleep with him doesn't mean that i have to share my toothbrush now does it. i've had to become a kind of fu-fu gal which i truly hate and buy stuff with flowers or worse pink, i hate pink... that has helped some what but there are other things that i just can't stand...like having him put his fork in my food yuk or drinking out of my glass so i hover over my food and of course wait until i'm done eating to grab something to drink even if i choke i don't care i just want my glass for me and thats it end of story... am i bitch? is this so much to ask for or what... well i guess that everybody that reads this blog will help me understand is this to much to ask for or am i a witch... let me know...

BECOME A PART OF HISTORY

as we live our lives we all have many opportunities many of which we grab if we are smart others are left in the back burner only to disappear once we get to them. we strive to be ourselves independent and unique but one thing that we have in common is the desire to make a difference whether it is in our own lives or others we find fulfillment in this. i believe that i have made a difference not only in my life but others as well, as i've mentioned before this is my purpose in life, to share my experiences and help those that are stuck while going thru something that is oh so familiar to me. but now many of us have the opportunity to be a part of history in the making, yes that's right we do. this election year will go down in our history books for our children or grandchildren to read. which ever way it goes it will be a first: if senator mccain wins the election well we will have the first woman vice president in our great nation, and if senator obama wins we will have nominated the first black american president in the history of the united states of america... how awesome is that to be a part of history in it's making!!!so if you haven't taken advantage of early voting do so, if there is some sort of circumstances that does not allow you to go now then please go on november 4 2008

AT LAST

hey its been a while now since i've come in here but a lot has gone on and guess what its been good!!!! finally the placement for cris has taken place and he is able to receive the help that he needs if he opens his mind and heart. cory is doing so well that he's working towards a home pass for the holidays. and i have taken time to de-stress and take care of myself, i had forgotten what it felt like to sleep soundly, no more fears or worries just sweet dreams. my health has taken a dramatic change for the better and i'm sure that having a positive attitude is helpful but i also believe that it is a combination of things that are occurring. i'm taking things just one day at a time and trying to grasp the moment, life is funny and if we're able to get the punch line well then it will be full of laughter... i've made a couple of plans nothing big but something that i've wanted to do forever so i guess the moment has come for me to take advantage of well in essense being kid free... i've noticed that i can't add color to my print nor can i pick the font i want, this is a bit distracting since i'm such a colorful person, if someone can help i'll truly appreciate the input, thanks in advance

STICKS AND STONES

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me... not true, they can: growing up we heard this and tried to believe that it was true, oh how wrong we were. words can hurt harm and can stay with you forever. they will linger in your mind and creep into your heart all without you knowing. there are so many things that surround us in this day and age, technology, global warming, economics to mention a few, that i am still surprised how people manage to find the need to gossip!!! the other day i was working in my office and to much surprise a couple of co-workers come by, their eyes were bright and you could sense the anxiety in their voices, they came by to mention the latest thing that they had discovered, much to my surprise they were talking about someone very dear to me , a person of respect and to me of much admiration... what they said could have dire consequences as the were implying that this person was having an affair with another co-worker.so right then and there i stood up and said i wanted no part of that conversation and that they should seek other means of entertainment... i might have hurt their feelings and truly that was not my intention but neither did i want or would have i allowed for something so hideous to continue roaming office to office without at least standing my ground. now i sit here and wonder have i done all that i can do? should i go to this person and alert them of what is going on? should i mind my own business and forget what i heard and leave it alone? will i feel guilty if one day this comes to light and hurts this person and ultimately destroy that family? knowing me i guess that i will look for the perfect moment and let this person know... i might just be doing this for the simple fact that family is sacred, and it should be protected at all cost since i struggle on a daily basis with the lack of family ties that i have and still wonder what if ...

HEALTHCARE USA

as i entered the 21st century i had so much hope that our health care system would be addressed and the government would set their priorities straight. we heard over and over as our politicians assured us and reassured us that all americans would benefit from health care, it definitely was time for elections and of course we heard things that were pleasing to our ears, however time has only revealed that these were empty promises that drew us to the only things that was important to our appointed officials our vote... again we come around to elections however things have changed and this time around health care is in the back burner... relying on the public health care system can be frustrating to say the very least, and after endless paperwork and various interviews your awarded some type of benefit which puts you in the scale of a 3rd class citizen... unfortunately i had to plug into there's services only because i'm sick and need to be seen constantly by a professional but how professional are these people that are giving me care? as you've seen you can imagine by a post i titled the ill doctor, which leaves me now to say i've been blessed, truly blessed... navigating thru the system i was fortunate enough to receive services thru a small yet very efficient clinic "family health center" truly it lives up to its name since the moment you walk in there you feel like family. my primary care physician Dr. Noel de Jesus Fernandez has really given me the opportunity to see things in a different light, his care and compassion supersedes anything that has ever been provided to me. his understanding and apparent desire to make a difference is remarkably evident and it makes a world of difference in my well being, the relationship between doctor and patient should be one of trust and comfort but that does not come easy these days, his knowledge does not make him distant on the very contrary very approachable, his ability to listen and understand your concerns empowers you and gives you a sense of being part of a team... i'm sure that the advances in medicine and the medicines in its self make a difference in my health however i am positive that the relationship that i have with my dr plays a substantial role in my recovery. to my dr i thank you, i thank you for choosing the profession in which you were truly destine for and all my well wishes to you sir,may you be enlighten by the continuous advances in medicine to do what you do best...

THE REINVENTION OF ME

as i've mentioned before i come from a highly dysfunctional family setting, i recall being raised with division and distrust, everything had to be a secret. both my parents were only children which leaves me to believe that they had absolutely no knowledge of what it meant to have a sister or brother and much less the value of family unity. as i roamed and wondered thru life i found myself destroying the one gift that i should have cherished LIFE. i spent many years breathing, existing but not living my loss but the blessing did come eventually, well 17 years later, i guess that somethings are not in our time frame... there were no family reunions. birthday celebrations, weddings, thanksgiving, or christmas.i had no family ties and felt lost as if the branch in my family tree had whithered.there are so many stories so many moments that i've experienced thru the years that brought me to know just how alone i was, its a sad place to be and a more difficult place to leave, but i know that by the grace of god one november morning in 1991 i awoke to this loneliness and made a turn. the road was rocky, unpaved, and unpopulated until i learned to reach out and ask for help. i was disturbed by the folks that believed in me when all awhile i thought that i would fail.my heart goes out to them for part of who i am today is because of them, thank you... time passed as i healed and made changes of improvement i stayed back from my family because i still was unsure if this change was permanent and i did not want to be rejected and much less hurt them. eventually i gathered the strength to pursue my roots and at first it was awkward but truly worth it. today my dad is gone but i was able to make peace with him, my mom well we are not there and maybe never will get there but i know that i did the footwork and it is out of my hands. i have some contact with a brother that i truly love and there's one brother that refuses to be a part of. my sister however is my friend, my confidant to a certain degree since i don't want to badger her with such overwhelming problems, i did feel closer to her and i think i'm drifting away and it makes me sad and i don't know how to return, i'm not sure if it's a defense mechanism since a lot of stuff is happening and i don't want to hurt her... i've managed to jump the hurdles and run the marathons all awhile getting to the finish line only to encounter that the race has not ended. life is like that and we must continue with the best disposition possible and a great attitude. today i'm alive have responsibilities that i must tend to and have a purpose in life, i chose to make a difference in myself and take that example to our community for hope.i've not forgotten my past since it will keep me real and never let me forget where i came from, but i don't have to relive it, my past shall not be my present and much less my future. a sort of metamorphosis has occurred thru out the years and its not that i'm someone else it's that i'm the person that i was intended to be...

I'M NOT READY

as i try reflecting back to these past weeks i'm stunned and paralyzed. i've already come to the realization that i cannot change my son nor his behaviors and much less his sentiments... i need to face my own issues and demons before they consume me forever. forever is a real long time if you think about it, so i must get up and face the music and dance to the beat. i'm walking thru a maze and its dark, i don't know where to turn or even if i'm going the right way, but one thing is certain i cannot stand still, trial and error will show me the way if i'm not lucky to travel the right path. a lot is going on my health is slowly deteriorating and my mind is not responding positive. i got some great news regarding my mammogram results and three days later i'm informed that i have karposis sarcoma... its a form of cancer that manifest on the skin and in occasions on the vital organs. of course my first response is to cry i want to scream can i have an out of body experience for the rest of my life? and then reality hits and as usual it is what it is and i need to work with what i have... so i put things on the balance and search for my strengths... my mind is still in tact i have a positive attitude and an enormous desire to live life to the fullest, as you well know i'm a glass half full kind of gal. so with that said i think that i have the ingredients to face this with pride and dignity and not badger myself thru the process. i know that this is not it and life will continue throwing me those curb balls but all i can do is grab a catchers mitt and keep on playing...

BROKEN NOT DEFETED

time and time again i come to the same issues. what now? i just recently am recovering from an infection that even had the doctors baffled. i remember going to the doctor on friday and by saturday i was in bed with a fever vomiting and all 206 bones in my body were aching. i spent the whole weekend in this and come monday i managed to go to an appt i had scheduled only cause i had a ride. went back home in bed and continued to well feel awful, tuesday at on point were there was a tad of energy i managed to drive myself to the dr.s office, immediately they put me thru urgent care and monitored me and came to the conclusion i needed to be hospitalized. somewhere god managed that i drive back home and wait for my husband by this time i believe i was delirious and in pain and not thinking straight. packed a bag and headed off, i was literally removed from the car and rolled into the hospital by the nurses, as soon as my vital were taken i was whisked to another part of the hospital where i started receiving medical attention. vitals bp 80/40 temp 103f i couldn't even moan it was not in me i looked around and thought would i be at my end i hadn't seen my child , of course i left him instructions to go to the neighbors and there he would be taken care of until mom came back home but what if thats not the case? i spent 48 hours baffling science and my body was truly taking a beating. the breakthrough comes and they figure out the bacteria and the proper meds and i'm put on them they struggle to higher my bp but at many times was impossible.in my delirious state i recall asking god for help and as time passed i saw myself seeking answers only He could provide. i spent two more days at the hospital and am released on friday with a promise to appear kinda deal to see the dr after the holiday so i go home. thank god i'm coming home, as i arrive i see my son on the block with some friends we drive up home its about 7:30 pm and i go inside.i'm not feeling my best but i'm home... 1:30 am and my son still has not arrived not even to see my face he decides that he'll jump the fence and not knock i know this because i heard him and saw him walking in the back yard like a ferocious bull full of anger i chose to not go there and if he wanted in he need to knock on the front door. in the morning my husband saw him and opened the gate ,later that morning i turned on the computer to try to catch up with some banking and BAM BAM $326.74 in charges in 6 different occasions all within the time i was in the hospital in a gas station. yep you already know, so i wonder whats going on in his head while his mother is in the hospital all he can think about is how to fuck me over he hates me i suppose what do i do? I NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS ONE!!! am i the town idiot that has been targeted to get a $900.00 phone bill $600.00 cable endless transactions at a gas station for gas while my car is parked at a hospital garage? did i count the money in my wallet wrong or did i have $40.00 more? am i tossing out my jewelry so far i have not been diagnosed with dementia nor do i have alzheimer's. so far what i do have is a tough road to travel this punk might have literally broken me but i am not defeated if he cannot appreciated all the effort then i must apply that to myself because i will be grateful to myself if i get better. theres no pretty way in ending this blog no matter what angle you look at it.so love life those that show they care and love yourself.

HOUSEKEEPING

most of us do house work either we're single or have a family there are responsibilities that must be addressed. we dust sweep mop clean sterilize wash and fold and i can go on and on about this subject. we bathe and groom ourselves make sure we dress accordingly and splash on some perfume before we head out the door. i particularly like doing these things on a daily basis maybe at one point more than i should for issues unknown which leads me to this... internal housekeeping. am i keeping a clean house? what needs to be dusted off swept and polished and are there things that can be stored away and others toss out as garbage? ABSO-FREAKING-LUTLY!!! i try hard to have some sort of sanity in my life and i think that the only way i'm able to do that is looking at those things that sometimes we hold on to that in the long run hurt us, hey i'm not saying forget everything but i think that we should pick and chose our battles,doing so allows me not to carry certain sentiments that more than likely are not good for me, all my life i've carried a bundle of stuff that holds me back correction i hold myself back so since i want to move forward i must brush off the guilt and shame associated with my past and use that to my advantage, i recognize that i have a gift, a gift that i can share and pass along, if i don't do this then all that i've learn thru tough lessons are practically in vain, so i polish my abilities and from time to time i must confess that i do stroke myself... whats wrong with that its part of being good to yourself well as long as it doesn't go to your head i suppose. i try to keep resentment out of my heart and if i can't forgive more than likely i'll forget im ok with which ever comes first. i must say i have an advantage over some cause i don't have a good memory. ha that's a pro for me! i have no vacancies in my head for petty bs nor do i allow anyone to live there rent free... we hear a lot "there are things that are better left unsaid" it could be so but what the hell do you do with that, write yep write it down express yourself let it go. you know i've written letters to myself at times we are angry at ourselves and what better way to call me on my stuff that in writing, this might sound awkward but reality is that there are tons of folks that are walking around just as miserable as can be and you know what the true problem is within. yeah yeah we can say countless excuses for this and that but only internal housekeeping can maximize there potential in life and ultimately provide a sense of well, wellness. so on a daily basis its important for me to do this housekeeping so i can feel comfortable with me in my skin, there are days that the task is simple but there are days where we have to really get to the nitty gritty before the funk wreaks. there's nothing more rewarding,soothing and relaxing than coming home to a clean and organized good home, uh. yep i feel that way about me and my home, i'll tackle my car tomorrow

BLOOD TAINTED FLAG

as i've mentioned before in another post, i ask must these red flags be tainted with blood? well the answer is yes. yes?? what wrong here, is it me, have i truly gone insane? am i missing the picture or am i just surround by folks that don't give a damn!!! i am speaking literally here i have no freaking clue what the hell is going on right under my nose in my own home with my child i've had problems with cris and his acting out oppositional behavior and his total disrespect but somewhere along the way something is going on in his head that he won't share and he reverts to self mutilation. i looked it up on the web as to get some sort of idea, but that doesn't take away the fact that he's hurting himself i could tell you that i would take the pain away you know that's not real i do not know what to do it just that simple... but simple its not because i care i need resolution i need results and responses to these crys shit SCREAMS there's something remarkable about living in the USA hell i was born here but as long as we whisper all is well these SCREAMS are either not heard or not taken well i've found a bloody syringe in his room OH MY GOD HELP US what do i do i have to face this and talk to him seek help understand whats going on but i can't its not right the police do nothing i guess that its not a crime to inject yourself with your own blood i told the person in charge of the residential program and i have to wait so i wonder what am i waiting for? only two things or cris's residential comes thru and he gets the help he so much needs or i lose my child forever that might sound tragic but when your injecting yourself with i don't know what or your own blood for that matter i don't see a happy ending to that. lord help me help my child, give me the serenity and knowledge i need to face this together. prayer is a powerful tool and that's all i can do right now all has been put in place and whatever the outcome, this too shall pass and the pain will make us strong regardless of how weak i want to be...

SURVIVING YOUR CHILD

at one point or another i knew that this was something i wanted to share but i guess that i was not prepared until now. surviving a child can be so difficult you might even say that it is indescribable however possible, there's no other choice but to do so... i've had to bury two of my children i'll reflect in one of them today. let me take you back to the moment april 1996. a beautiful monday morning spring was all over and things were smoothing out as the year was passing thru, at work i am located by an entourage of folks people that i hadn't met and was called into a private office the things that raced thru my head were nothing compared to the news that i was about to receive; there's been a terrible accident your son is at the hospital its not good you need to go right away. i was paralyzed motionless and found it difficult to swallow. immediately people around me reached out and i was transported to the hospital, i found my way around the intensive care unit and before i knew it i was by his side, there were no traced of such trauma that i imagined while getting there, so automatically i grasped a bundle of hope and knew that this would pass and months from now i would reflect this as a blessing, a blessing that would eventually bring us close together as mother and child since i had not been raising my son for over ten years. after a couple of hours i was confronted by a lady by the name of harris she made calls and i was asked to leave the hospital, i could have left but how could i? i also made calls of my own and advocated for my families rights and sure enough they were granted, my presence was uncomfortable to them so they opted in leaving i didn't... there were machines and a special bed and all kind of test and then a meeting, the organ procurement team came to talk to me i guess then and there i knew that the time had come and the blessing i so wished for would not be realized in our lifetime. 17 years old a whole life in front of him to live and enjoy and all i could think about was my loss, how selfish can one get how selfish was i that i was not valuing my sons life. that still did not deter me from that feeling. all the papers were signed and yes georgie did die but his life had a purpose all his accomplishments and achieved goals as the ones that were decided for him by his mother. donating all of his organs gave a sense to an otherwise senseless accident it brought hope to families that were awaiting a fatality to bring life to their love ones. in essence it allowed him to live on in others to give the ultimate gift, the gift of life. as the days passed i would not dare question the fact of my child's death but understood that life and death is a marriage one that no one can separate and all i could do was to assist comfort and let him go with dignity. i miss my son and am full of wonders how now he would be 30 and where he would be in life; i regret the time lost and the moments that were not shared and it leaves me to understand that life is fragile uncertain and as it comes it goes, the time is NOW reach out love live and laugh, cry and embrace... why wait why take the risk yesterday is the past tomorrow is yet to come but today is the present. the present that god gives us to do as we understand.. do you understand what you want out of today? do you dare hold on to resentment or pride, will you go on living wishing what if? i don't, life is precious my family means the world to me as do my friends... in want to share,laugh,cry,scream,support,carry,resolve, love,i want to be a part of LIFE...

POWER TRIP

as i promised myself i managed to take a drive to a very small city on saturday morning, i must say that it was spectacular. the weather was oh so right and there was not a lot of traffic, and then i was blessed that i was not driving and could actually experience the beauty of my surroundings. after a bit of driving it seemed that we were in the country as we passed fields of land and i watched the cows graze and the horses standing still as if they knew i was watching there beauty. after a while of looking at all the land i rolled down the window as to aspire the air that seemed pure and translucent, and i wanted to just be in the moment, a moment of peace and solice that overcame me with force... i looked up to the heavens as and act of acknowledgement that this peace was a gift and that this feeling was being handed over to me to enjoy reflect or ignore. i chose to reflect and enjoy my gift and as i glanced and saw the clouds i could see the similarity amongst us. the grey clouds interlocking with crisp white pure cotton balls as they shift at a oh so perfect time, i then understood that life has its ups and downs and am certain that this to shall pass; the rain that is produced and its process of such refreshes and nourishes our soil thus bring the beauty of nature,these are my tears that only make me strong and humble my soul. the funnels that develop to take their course in nature are the demons in must face and conquer only to cleanse my spirit; lightning reflects the sky with force and certain fear is projected as the thunder roars and the lightning strikes; this is the rage the violence that we can demonstrate leaving damage thru its wrath... nature is perfect we are not, therefore i can pick and choose my feelings my actions as i chose today to enjoy and reflect... i cried along the way but those tears were in gratitude of the many life experiences i have managed to overcome. and a simple fact that i am so small so so so small that my problems can never be so big. i love life with all its craziness up downs and in betweens and as i pass along there is nothing more important to me than to share a sense of hope and an option to cope...