I'M NOT READY

as i try reflecting back to these past weeks i'm stunned and paralyzed. i've already come to the realization that i cannot change my son nor his behaviors and much less his sentiments... i need to face my own issues and demons before they consume me forever. forever is a real long time if you think about it, so i must get up and face the music and dance to the beat. i'm walking thru a maze and its dark, i don't know where to turn or even if i'm going the right way, but one thing is certain i cannot stand still, trial and error will show me the way if i'm not lucky to travel the right path. a lot is going on my health is slowly deteriorating and my mind is not responding positive. i got some great news regarding my mammogram results and three days later i'm informed that i have karposis sarcoma... its a form of cancer that manifest on the skin and in occasions on the vital organs. of course my first response is to cry i want to scream can i have an out of body experience for the rest of my life? and then reality hits and as usual it is what it is and i need to work with what i have... so i put things on the balance and search for my strengths... my mind is still in tact i have a positive attitude and an enormous desire to live life to the fullest, as you well know i'm a glass half full kind of gal. so with that said i think that i have the ingredients to face this with pride and dignity and not badger myself thru the process. i know that this is not it and life will continue throwing me those curb balls but all i can do is grab a catchers mitt and keep on playing...