THE REINVENTION OF ME

as i've mentioned before i come from a highly dysfunctional family setting, i recall being raised with division and distrust, everything had to be a secret. both my parents were only children which leaves me to believe that they had absolutely no knowledge of what it meant to have a sister or brother and much less the value of family unity. as i roamed and wondered thru life i found myself destroying the one gift that i should have cherished LIFE. i spent many years breathing, existing but not living my loss but the blessing did come eventually, well 17 years later, i guess that somethings are not in our time frame... there were no family reunions. birthday celebrations, weddings, thanksgiving, or christmas.i had no family ties and felt lost as if the branch in my family tree had whithered.there are so many stories so many moments that i've experienced thru the years that brought me to know just how alone i was, its a sad place to be and a more difficult place to leave, but i know that by the grace of god one november morning in 1991 i awoke to this loneliness and made a turn. the road was rocky, unpaved, and unpopulated until i learned to reach out and ask for help. i was disturbed by the folks that believed in me when all awhile i thought that i would fail.my heart goes out to them for part of who i am today is because of them, thank you... time passed as i healed and made changes of improvement i stayed back from my family because i still was unsure if this change was permanent and i did not want to be rejected and much less hurt them. eventually i gathered the strength to pursue my roots and at first it was awkward but truly worth it. today my dad is gone but i was able to make peace with him, my mom well we are not there and maybe never will get there but i know that i did the footwork and it is out of my hands. i have some contact with a brother that i truly love and there's one brother that refuses to be a part of. my sister however is my friend, my confidant to a certain degree since i don't want to badger her with such overwhelming problems, i did feel closer to her and i think i'm drifting away and it makes me sad and i don't know how to return, i'm not sure if it's a defense mechanism since a lot of stuff is happening and i don't want to hurt her... i've managed to jump the hurdles and run the marathons all awhile getting to the finish line only to encounter that the race has not ended. life is like that and we must continue with the best disposition possible and a great attitude. today i'm alive have responsibilities that i must tend to and have a purpose in life, i chose to make a difference in myself and take that example to our community for hope.i've not forgotten my past since it will keep me real and never let me forget where i came from, but i don't have to relive it, my past shall not be my present and much less my future. a sort of metamorphosis has occurred thru out the years and its not that i'm someone else it's that i'm the person that i was intended to be...