MY PARENTS

I recall not so long ago watching a movie and crying over a warm hearted story or seeing an elderly person struggle trying to cross a busy intersection. The thoughts of these events or people would haunt me for days.I'd wonder why this would impact me so much and I could only come up with the lack of love and emotion that I was exposed to as a child. And now that my parents would be in there elder years, I would see them in others and my emotions would surface and I would long for a simple glance at me, and feel acknowledged. I left home at a very tender age of 14 back in the days, it was the early 70s life was not as complicated as now, nor were we as exposed to such an array of things that our teenagers are now a days, but believe me it was not an easy journey. Truly one that life dealt me but if given a choice, I would have refused in a heartbeat. I come from a middle class family, I'm the youngest of 4 siblings. I always felt different awkward even, I'm really not sure where that came from but it was there. At home there was absolutely nothing that could be brought to the table everything was taboo, so in essence it was live and learn for the most part. My mother was a very attractive woman in her time, somewhat educated but very selfish and self centered, my father was 14 years her senior and although he was a very handsome man he was very possessive and would display huge burst of violence towards her and his children. My dad was a man from the military and some of his tactics were excessive to say the very least, my mom was very submissive so in essence they made a great couple. As I parted from their home at my moms request, I could only hope to find that same refuge that I grew fond of through the years, so out I went to seek dysfunctional relationships and see if I could form my own dysfunctional family.How nuts is that, but its true, not that I was doing this consciously it was more of a reaction to what I knew. Off to the world went this teenager to encounter heartaches and deep deep troubles, I struggled for many many years, the fact of being a reject and not being accepted by my family, for good reason but the pain was stored and left there unattended for years to come which only brought more pain and suffering. Back then that was not the norm. I always felt that I lived ahead of my time so it was so difficult to find that someone, that could identify and understand just exactly what it is, that I was going thru. There must be a reason for all of this and probably a good one at that, but for now I comfort myself in knowing that life goes on and things change and what back then might have seemed awkward today it seems like the norm, so that is the reason for that anguish and despair it is the reason for my fulfillment today, for the satisfaction I get out of being who I am. It is the reason for the the parents that God gave me.