Polly's Race to Sanity...Are We There Yet?

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

2008-12-01T21:44:00.002-05:00

FAMILY THERA-POOP

2008-11-30T21:02:00.002-05:00

as sad as this may sound i'm thinking that all this therapy is really not getting us very far. i understand and accept the fact that one must try to make stuff work as i also greatly understand that we can only change ourselves, for the moment i am particularly ok with who i am and where i've gotten as a person, i am very well aware that although i have a part to play in this mess i am not the primary participant,so that brings me here where i'm tired of wasting my time in these sessions when all awhile all i want is to be freed of these nearly adult children that have practically taken me to the verge of suicide or worse even giving up... i'm very sadden by this reality but my feelings are valid and one thing that i'm clear on is that i am not a masochist,i ask that i be enlighten and come to terms with whats real and have the ability to accept my children as people and disassociate there behaviors and actions with how i feel... this in turn is all in my hands and heart and as time passes i ask that i am able to forgive and forget to put aside the barriers that are now separating us for one day they will be permanent...

2008-11-26T10:07:00.001-05:00

I DO (NOT)

2008-11-22T13:14:00.007-05:00

as a little girl i guess that i dreamed of getting married and having a family of my own, it would be my school sweetheart and i would have had a couple of children, a cozy home with that desired white picket fence we all dream of, we'd raise our offspring together and have our summer vacations, as we accomplished our goals we would praise each other for our successes and we'd watch our children grow up so fast that before we knew they were off on there own and then we'd start all over again experiencing the bliss of our relationship... wishful thinking or perhaps a terrible nightmare i'm not sure. yes eventually i married, had children not necessarily in that order and as for the summer vacations they were more like torture and that white picket fence was traded in for black iron bars... i understand that being in a relationship is hard work and constantly needs to be worked on. i also understand that a lot of sharing is involved but give me a break... my towel, my pjs, my perfume, my fds, yes correct the feminine deodorant spray, oh and get this my summers eve wash, yep that too... you know i can't hack that its a bit hard to swallow, i'm very picky and don't like anyone touching my stuff much less using it especially without asking. at times i smell a familiar fragrance and sure enough my husband smells like me i hate it, and as for some of my clothes don't get me wrong he's not a cross dresser it's that i wear boy shorts as underwear and seeing him having them on is appalling and when i confront him its always the same shit "i didn't realize" i wind up cutting them up and throwing them away... hey just cause i sleep with him doesn't mean that i have to share my toothbrush now does it. i've had to become a kind of fu-fu gal which i truly hate and buy stuff with flowers or worse pink, i hate pink... that has helped some what but there are other things that i just can't stand...like having him put his fork in my food yuk or drinking out of my glass so i hover over my food and of course wait until i'm done eating to grab something to drink even if i choke i don't care i just want my glass for me and thats it end of story... am i bitch? is this so much to ask for or what... well i guess that everybody that reads this blog will help me understand is this to much to ask for or am i a witch... let me know...

BECOME A PART OF HISTORY

2008-10-29T21:39:00.003-04:00

as we live our lives we all have many opportunities many of which we grab if we are smart others are left in the back burner only to disappear once we get to them. we strive to be ourselves independent and unique but one thing that we have in common is the desire to make a difference whether it is in our own lives or others we find fulfillment in this. i believe that i have made a difference not only in my life but others as well, as i've mentioned before this is my purpose in life, to share my experiences and help those that are stuck while going thru something that is oh so familiar to me. but now many of us have the opportunity to be a part of history in the making, yes that's right we do. this election year will go down in our history books for our children or grandchildren to read. which ever way it goes it will be a first: if senator mccain wins the election well we will have the first woman vice president in our great nation, and if senator obama wins we will have nominated the first black american president in the history of the united states of america... how awesome is that to be a part of history in it's making!!!so if you haven't taken advantage of early voting do so, if there is some sort of circumstances that does not allow you to go now then please go on november 4 2008

AT LAST

2008-10-25T16:50:00.002-04:00

hey its been a while now since i've come in here but a lot has gone on and guess what its been good!!!! finally the placement for cris has taken place and he is able to receive the help that he needs if he opens his mind and heart. cory is doing so well that he's working towards a home pass for the holidays. and i have taken time to de-stress and take care of myself, i had forgotten what it felt like to sleep soundly, no more fears or worries just sweet dreams. my health has taken a dramatic change for the better and i'm sure that having a positive attitude is helpful but i also believe that it is a combination of things that are occurring. i'm taking things just one day at a time and trying to grasp the moment, life is funny and if we're able to get the punch line well then it will be full of laughter... i've made a couple of plans nothing big but something that i've wanted to do forever so i guess the moment has come for me to take advantage of well in essense being kid free... i've noticed that i can't add color to my print nor can i pick the font i want, this is a bit distracting since i'm such a colorful person, if someone can help i'll truly appreciate the input, thanks in advance

STICKS AND STONES

2008-10-05T15:15:00.004-04:00

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me... not true, they can: growing up we heard this and tried to believe that it was true, oh how wrong we were. words can hurt harm and can stay with you forever. they will linger in your mind and creep into your heart all without you knowing. there are so many things that surround us in this day and age, technology, global warming, economics to mention a few, that i am still surprised how people manage to find the need to gossip!!! the other day i was working in my office and to much surprise a couple of co-workers come by, their eyes were bright and you could sense the anxiety in their voices, they came by to mention the latest thing that they had discovered, much to my surprise they were talking about someone very dear to me , a person of respect and to me of much admiration... what they said could have dire consequences as the were implying that this person was having an affair with another co-worker.so right then and there i stood up and said i wanted no part of that conversation and that they should seek other means of entertainment... i might have hurt their feelings and truly that was not my intention but neither did i want or would have i allowed for something so hideous to continue roaming office to office without at least standing my ground. now i sit here and wonder have i done all that i can do? should i go to this person and alert them of what is going on? should i mind my own business and forget what i heard and leave it alone? will i feel guilty if one day this comes to light and hurts this person and ultimately destroy that family? knowing me i guess that i will look for the perfect moment and let this person know... i might just be doing this for the simple fact that family is sacred, and it should be protected at all cost since i struggle on a daily basis with the lack of family ties that i have and still wonder what if ...

HEALTHCARE USA

2008-09-25T10:37:00.003-04:00

as i entered the 21st century i had so much hope that our health care system would be addressed and the government would set their priorities straight. we heard over and over as our politicians assured us and reassured us that all americans would benefit from health care, it definitely was time for elections and of course we heard things that were pleasing to our ears, however time has only revealed that these were empty promises that drew us to the only things that was important to our appointed officials our vote... again we come around to elections however things have changed and this time around health care is in the back burner... relying on the public health care system can be frustrating to say the very least, and after endless paperwork and various interviews your awarded some type of benefit which puts you in the scale of a 3rd class citizen... unfortunately i had to plug into there's services only because i'm sick and need to be seen constantly by a professional but how professional are these people that are giving me care? as you've seen you can imagine by a post i titled the ill doctor, which leaves me now to say i've been blessed, truly blessed... navigating thru the system i was fortunate enough to receive services thru a small yet very efficient clinic "family health center" truly it lives up to its name since the moment you walk in there you feel like family. my primary care physician Dr. Noel de Jesus Fernandez has really given me the opportunity to see things in a different light, his care and compassion supersedes anything that has ever been provided to me. his understanding and apparent desire to make a difference is remarkably evident and it makes a world of difference in my well being, the relationship between doctor and patient should be one of trust and comfort but that does not come easy these days, his knowledge does not make him distant on the very contrary very approachable, his ability to listen and understand your concerns empowers you and gives you a sense of being part of a team... i'm sure that the advances in medicine and the medicines in its self make a difference in my health however i am positive that the relationship that i have with my dr plays a substantial role in my recovery. to my dr i thank you, i thank you for choosing the profession in which you were truly destine for and all my well wishes to you sir,may you be enlighten by the continuous advances in medicine to do what you do best...

THE REINVENTION OF ME

2008-09-11T07:07:00.003-04:00

as i've mentioned before i come from a highly dysfunctional family setting, i recall being raised with division and distrust, everything had to be a secret. both my parents were only children which leaves me to believe that they had absolutely no knowledge of what it meant to have a sister or brother and much less the value of family unity. as i roamed and wondered thru life i found myself destroying the one gift that i should have cherished LIFE. i spent many years breathing, existing but not living my loss but the blessing did come eventually, well 17 years later, i guess that somethings are not in our time frame... there were no family reunions. birthday celebrations, weddings, thanksgiving, or christmas.i had no family ties and felt lost as if the branch in my family tree had whithered.there are so many stories so many moments that i've experienced thru the years that brought me to know just how alone i was, its a sad place to be and a more difficult place to leave, but i know that by the grace of god one november morning in 1991 i awoke to this loneliness and made a turn. the road was rocky, unpaved, and unpopulated until i learned to reach out and ask for help. i was disturbed by the folks that believed in me when all awhile i thought that i would fail.my heart goes out to them for part of who i am today is because of them, thank you... time passed as i healed and made changes of improvement i stayed back from my family because i still was unsure if this change was permanent and i did not want to be rejected and much less hurt them. eventually i gathered the strength to pursue my roots and at first it was awkward but truly worth it. today my dad is gone but i was able to make peace with him, my mom well we are not there and maybe never will get there but i know that i did the footwork and it is out of my hands. i have some contact with a brother that i truly love and there's one brother that refuses to be a part of. my sister however is my friend, my confidant to a certain degree since i don't want to badger her with such overwhelming problems, i did feel closer to her and i think i'm drifting away and it makes me sad and i don't know how to return, i'm not sure if it's a defense mechanism since a lot of stuff is happening and i don't want to hurt her... i've managed to jump the hurdles and run the marathons all awhile getting to the finish line only to encounter that the race has not ended. life is like that and we must continue with the best disposition possible and a great attitude. today i'm alive have responsibilities that i must tend to and have a purpose in life, i chose to make a difference in myself and take that example to our community for hope.i've not forgotten my past since it will keep me real and never let me forget where i came from, but i don't have to relive it, my past shall not be my present and much less my future. a sort of metamorphosis has occurred thru out the years and its not that i'm someone else it's that i'm the person that i was intended to be...

I'M NOT READY

2008-09-09T21:12:00.002-04:00

as i try reflecting back to these past weeks i'm stunned and paralyzed. i've already come to the realization that i cannot change my son nor his behaviors and much less his sentiments... i need to face my own issues and demons before they consume me forever. forever is a real long time if you think about it, so i must get up and face the music and dance to the beat. i'm walking thru a maze and its dark, i don't know where to turn or even if i'm going the right way, but one thing is certain i cannot stand still, trial and error will show me the way if i'm not lucky to travel the right path. a lot is going on my health is slowly deteriorating and my mind is not responding positive. i got some great news regarding my mammogram results and three days later i'm informed that i have karposis sarcoma... its a form of cancer that manifest on the skin and in occasions on the vital organs. of course my first response is to cry i want to scream can i have an out of body experience for the rest of my life? and then reality hits and as usual it is what it is and i need to work with what i have... so i put things on the balance and search for my strengths... my mind is still in tact i have a positive attitude and an enormous desire to live life to the fullest, as you well know i'm a glass half full kind of gal. so with that said i think that i have the ingredients to face this with pride and dignity and not badger myself thru the process. i know that this is not it and life will continue throwing me those curb balls but all i can do is grab a catchers mitt and keep on playing...

BROKEN NOT DEFETED

2008-09-01T21:02:00.004-04:00

time and time again i come to the same issues. what now? i just recently am recovering from an infection that even had the doctors baffled. i remember going to the doctor on friday and by saturday i was in bed with a fever vomiting and all 206 bones in my body were aching. i spent the whole weekend in this and come monday i managed to go to an appt i had scheduled only cause i had a ride. went back home in bed and continued to well feel awful, tuesday at on point were there was a tad of energy i managed to drive myself to the dr.s office, immediately they put me thru urgent care and monitored me and came to the conclusion i needed to be hospitalized. somewhere god managed that i drive back home and wait for my husband by this time i believe i was delirious and in pain and not thinking straight. packed a bag and headed off, i was literally removed from the car and rolled into the hospital by the nurses, as soon as my vital were taken i was whisked to another part of the hospital where i started receiving medical attention. vitals bp 80/40 temp 103f i couldn't even moan it was not in me i looked around and thought would i be at my end i hadn't seen my child , of course i left him instructions to go to the neighbors and there he would be taken care of until mom came back home but what if thats not the case? i spent 48 hours baffling science and my body was truly taking a beating. the breakthrough comes and they figure out the bacteria and the proper meds and i'm put on them they struggle to higher my bp but at many times was impossible.in my delirious state i recall asking god for help and as time passed i saw myself seeking answers only He could provide. i spent two more days at the hospital and am released on friday with a promise to appear kinda deal to see the dr after the holiday so i go home. thank god i'm coming home, as i arrive i see my son on the block with some friends we drive up home its about 7:30 pm and i go inside.i'm not feeling my best but i'm home... 1:30 am and my son still has not arrived not even to see my face he decides that he'll jump the fence and not knock i know this because i heard him and saw him walking in the back yard like a ferocious bull full of anger i chose to not go there and if he wanted in he need to knock on the front door. in the morning my husband saw him and opened the gate ,later that morning i turned on the computer to try to catch up with some banking and BAM BAM $326.74 in charges in 6 different occasions all within the time i was in the hospital in a gas station. yep you already know, so i wonder whats going on in his head while his mother is in the hospital all he can think about is how to fuck me over he hates me i suppose what do i do? I NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS ONE!!! am i the town idiot that has been targeted to get a $900.00 phone bill $600.00 cable endless transactions at a gas station for gas while my car is parked at a hospital garage? did i count the money in my wallet wrong or did i have $40.00 more? am i tossing out my jewelry so far i have not been diagnosed with dementia nor do i have alzheimer's. so far what i do have is a tough road to travel this punk might have literally broken me but i am not defeated if he cannot appreciated all the effort then i must apply that to myself because i will be grateful to myself if i get better. theres no pretty way in ending this blog no matter what angle you look at it.so love life those that show they care and love yourself.

HOUSEKEEPING

2008-08-18T22:46:00.003-04:00

most of us do house work either we're single or have a family there are responsibilities that must be addressed. we dust sweep mop clean sterilize wash and fold and i can go on and on about this subject. we bathe and groom ourselves make sure we dress accordingly and splash on some perfume before we head out the door. i particularly like doing these things on a daily basis maybe at one point more than i should for issues unknown which leads me to this... internal housekeeping. am i keeping a clean house? what needs to be dusted off swept and polished and are there things that can be stored away and others toss out as garbage? ABSO-FREAKING-LUTLY!!! i try hard to have some sort of sanity in my life and i think that the only way i'm able to do that is looking at those things that sometimes we hold on to that in the long run hurt us, hey i'm not saying forget everything but i think that we should pick and chose our battles,doing so allows me not to carry certain sentiments that more than likely are not good for me, all my life i've carried a bundle of stuff that holds me back correction i hold myself back so since i want to move forward i must brush off the guilt and shame associated with my past and use that to my advantage, i recognize that i have a gift, a gift that i can share and pass along, if i don't do this then all that i've learn thru tough lessons are practically in vain, so i polish my abilities and from time to time i must confess that i do stroke myself... whats wrong with that its part of being good to yourself well as long as it doesn't go to your head i suppose. i try to keep resentment out of my heart and if i can't forgive more than likely i'll forget im ok with which ever comes first. i must say i have an advantage over some cause i don't have a good memory. ha that's a pro for me! i have no vacancies in my head for petty bs nor do i allow anyone to live there rent free... we hear a lot "there are things that are better left unsaid" it could be so but what the hell do you do with that, write yep write it down express yourself let it go. you know i've written letters to myself at times we are angry at ourselves and what better way to call me on my stuff that in writing, this might sound awkward but reality is that there are tons of folks that are walking around just as miserable as can be and you know what the true problem is within. yeah yeah we can say countless excuses for this and that but only internal housekeeping can maximize there potential in life and ultimately provide a sense of well, wellness. so on a daily basis its important for me to do this housekeeping so i can feel comfortable with me in my skin, there are days that the task is simple but there are days where we have to really get to the nitty gritty before the funk wreaks. there's nothing more rewarding,soothing and relaxing than coming home to a clean and organized good home, uh. yep i feel that way about me and my home, i'll tackle my car tomorrow

BLOOD TAINTED FLAG

2008-08-15T21:51:00.004-04:00

as i've mentioned before in another post, i ask must these red flags be tainted with blood? well the answer is yes. yes?? what wrong here, is it me, have i truly gone insane? am i missing the picture or am i just surround by folks that don't give a damn!!! i am speaking literally here i have no freaking clue what the hell is going on right under my nose in my own home with my child i've had problems with cris and his acting out oppositional behavior and his total disrespect but somewhere along the way something is going on in his head that he won't share and he reverts to self mutilation. i looked it up on the web as to get some sort of idea, but that doesn't take away the fact that he's hurting himself i could tell you that i would take the pain away you know that's not real i do not know what to do it just that simple... but simple its not because i care i need resolution i need results and responses to these crys shit SCREAMS there's something remarkable about living in the USA hell i was born here but as long as we whisper all is well these SCREAMS are either not heard or not taken well i've found a bloody syringe in his room OH MY GOD HELP US what do i do i have to face this and talk to him seek help understand whats going on but i can't its not right the police do nothing i guess that its not a crime to inject yourself with your own blood i told the person in charge of the residential program and i have to wait so i wonder what am i waiting for? only two things or cris's residential comes thru and he gets the help he so much needs or i lose my child forever that might sound tragic but when your injecting yourself with i don't know what or your own blood for that matter i don't see a happy ending to that. lord help me help my child, give me the serenity and knowledge i need to face this together. prayer is a powerful tool and that's all i can do right now all has been put in place and whatever the outcome, this too shall pass and the pain will make us strong regardless of how weak i want to be...

SURVIVING YOUR CHILD

2008-08-14T19:47:00.004-04:00

at one point or another i knew that this was something i wanted to share but i guess that i was not prepared until now. surviving a child can be so difficult you might even say that it is indescribable however possible, there's no other choice but to do so... i've had to bury two of my children i'll reflect in one of them today. let me take you back to the moment april 1996. a beautiful monday morning spring was all over and things were smoothing out as the year was passing thru, at work i am located by an entourage of folks people that i hadn't met and was called into a private office the things that raced thru my head were nothing compared to the news that i was about to receive; there's been a terrible accident your son is at the hospital its not good you need to go right away. i was paralyzed motionless and found it difficult to swallow. immediately people around me reached out and i was transported to the hospital, i found my way around the intensive care unit and before i knew it i was by his side, there were no traced of such trauma that i imagined while getting there, so automatically i grasped a bundle of hope and knew that this would pass and months from now i would reflect this as a blessing, a blessing that would eventually bring us close together as mother and child since i had not been raising my son for over ten years. after a couple of hours i was confronted by a lady by the name of harris she made calls and i was asked to leave the hospital, i could have left but how could i? i also made calls of my own and advocated for my families rights and sure enough they were granted, my presence was uncomfortable to them so they opted in leaving i didn't... there were machines and a special bed and all kind of test and then a meeting, the organ procurement team came to talk to me i guess then and there i knew that the time had come and the blessing i so wished for would not be realized in our lifetime. 17 years old a whole life in front of him to live and enjoy and all i could think about was my loss, how selfish can one get how selfish was i that i was not valuing my sons life. that still did not deter me from that feeling. all the papers were signed and yes georgie did die but his life had a purpose all his accomplishments and achieved goals as the ones that were decided for him by his mother. donating all of his organs gave a sense to an otherwise senseless accident it brought hope to families that were awaiting a fatality to bring life to their love ones. in essence it allowed him to live on in others to give the ultimate gift, the gift of life. as the days passed i would not dare question the fact of my child's death but understood that life and death is a marriage one that no one can separate and all i could do was to assist comfort and let him go with dignity. i miss my son and am full of wonders how now he would be 30 and where he would be in life; i regret the time lost and the moments that were not shared and it leaves me to understand that life is fragile uncertain and as it comes it goes, the time is NOW reach out love live and laugh, cry and embrace... why wait why take the risk yesterday is the past tomorrow is yet to come but today is the present. the present that god gives us to do as we understand.. do you understand what you want out of today? do you dare hold on to resentment or pride, will you go on living wishing what if? i don't, life is precious my family means the world to me as do my friends... in want to share,laugh,cry,scream,support,carry,resolve, love,i want to be a part of LIFE...

POWER TRIP

2008-08-12T20:21:00.002-04:00

as i promised myself i managed to take a drive to a very small city on saturday morning, i must say that it was spectacular. the weather was oh so right and there was not a lot of traffic, and then i was blessed that i was not driving and could actually experience the beauty of my surroundings. after a bit of driving it seemed that we were in the country as we passed fields of land and i watched the cows graze and the horses standing still as if they knew i was watching there beauty. after a while of looking at all the land i rolled down the window as to aspire the air that seemed pure and translucent, and i wanted to just be in the moment, a moment of peace and solice that overcame me with force... i looked up to the heavens as and act of acknowledgement that this peace was a gift and that this feeling was being handed over to me to enjoy reflect or ignore. i chose to reflect and enjoy my gift and as i glanced and saw the clouds i could see the similarity amongst us. the grey clouds interlocking with crisp white pure cotton balls as they shift at a oh so perfect time, i then understood that life has its ups and downs and am certain that this to shall pass; the rain that is produced and its process of such refreshes and nourishes our soil thus bring the beauty of nature,these are my tears that only make me strong and humble my soul. the funnels that develop to take their course in nature are the demons in must face and conquer only to cleanse my spirit; lightning reflects the sky with force and certain fear is projected as the thunder roars and the lightning strikes; this is the rage the violence that we can demonstrate leaving damage thru its wrath... nature is perfect we are not, therefore i can pick and choose my feelings my actions as i chose today to enjoy and reflect... i cried along the way but those tears were in gratitude of the many life experiences i have managed to overcome. and a simple fact that i am so small so so so small that my problems can never be so big. i love life with all its craziness up downs and in betweens and as i pass along there is nothing more important to me than to share a sense of hope and an option to cope...

NOT SO HAPPY GO LUCKY

2008-08-08T21:43:00.005-04:00

so i haven't been around to writing i guess you can say i'm a bit depressed with all thats going on but that does not, should not stop me from LIVING... so how am i living now a days that things don't look so honky dory, well that's the same kind of question i ask myself quite a bit on a daily basis... so i treat myself to stuff that at another time i would leave for tomorrow and of course naturally i cannot do it all nor do i expect that but its become important to hear those chirping sounds ah so early in the morning while i sip my coffee and feel the warmth of summer on my face i gaze over to see some lizards just hanging out, i take a shower and put on that bath oil i've saved for a special occasion, put make-up make sure that i'm tidy and off to work. on my drive to work i listen to the music full blast and sing along (with the windows down gee i don't care)once i'm there i greet everyone that i pass offer a free smile and a happy hello. i try really hard to complete my duties at work come home and prepare exactly what it is i want to eat(i'm a bit picky) and enjoy and savor each and every bite. for right now this to me is living being good to myself without hurting my pocket,i do want to start walking and i want to go to a play or two and of course get into that dreaded closet of mine and clear it out... soon cris will be off to hopefully get better an then i'll have less stressful days and nights and i can reconnect with myself, i've kind of gotten lost with the hustle and busle of all these problems and i don't want that to be the center of my life.

OVERCOMING THE OUTCOME

2008-07-30T06:11:00.003-04:00

so i find myself searching for answers and trying to cope with a lot and i realize once again just how blessed i am and how much i love life. its awkward how when we are faced with difficulties regarding our health we embrace life and try to grab it by the horns or at least i feel that way. living with a disease that slowly debilitates you can most certainly alter any ones life it has to me.so i've changed my ways and managed to defy the odds and it just so happen that i was just fine for the longest leaving my disease on the back burner and not letting that be the center of attention in my life, but recently i've been feeling ill and know that i must address this but really i'm scared i'm frightened while receiving treatment for the recent outbreak of the shingles i enrolled in a clinic to start managing this and met my doctor, i must say that i will dedicate a full blog to him. doc says i'm not well i really don't have a lot to play with and he shows concern explains the pros and cons and suggest i be on medication. i put things in perspective and agree to start a regimen that requires a whole lot of commitment. the medications are really strong the effects are not the best but i'm confident that my body will respond in time to them and slowly the effects will diminish, but every day i have this reminder and i've been there before and it made me angry, angry that i was sick and had to deal with this this also played a part in me not being compliant with treatment. years later i'm in the same predicament but choose to see the blessings of life... i'm scared but i'm safe i'm weak but i'm strong i'm frighten but i'm not alone i realize that i am a soldier a survivor and a true warrior, i will fight this that and every thing that comes my way...

KNOCK KNOCK

2008-07-23T20:05:00.002-04:00

yesterday as i was preparing dinner there's a knock on the door, it was loud and hard, i kind of jumped and instantly entered the defensive mood. as i walk towards the door i think that i must have thought of hundreds of scenarios that could be. when i get to the door i was in shock, i was stunned and for a moment disappointed. it was my daughter nicole, i was shocked because i hadn't seen her in about a year and a half and i was disappointed because we were not at our best. i opened the door, immediately she hollered mom; i kind of spaced out and then thought let me just ride this out and see; i welcomed her in and we spoke briefly, she asked questions and i answered i tried really hard to stay focused on the here and now and in the reason why this is happening in this precise moment, i know that nicole has struggled thru out her life and she might well be in a bind but i don't want to ask i don't want to give opinions i can't, been there done that and it doesn't work we don't see eye to eye so i give her a card with my number and become accessible to her again and i guess that then i'll try to work on this as it comes up we have a lot of baggage that has just sat there and i don't see any sense in trying to rehash because its done its over so i will live and let live, forgive to be forgiven, and provide the support a parent can give to an adult child

SIMPLE ARITHMITIC

2008-07-22T20:36:00.003-04:00

so as i'm here recuperating from all of this dilemma following directions to the tee, hardly even sleeping since the meds are every 5 hours trying to be stress free to avoid further damage to myself, today the hospital bill arrives!!! $10,900.00 plus. STRESS big time. so i look over this here freaking bill that i know there is no way in heaven that i can pay in a lifetime and with the care and diagnosis i got at that hospital i just might have only scratched the surface. $1,689.00 for parking and simply walking in(e.r. general) $1404.40 lab work(to tell me what i didn't have) $966.00 chest x-ray(went in with abdominal pain) $2,278.00 pelvic c- ct(remember i have the shingles) $401.00 ekg(hello i have the shingles people) $6,338.40----$6,338.40 for driving up to the hospital telling them i'm in pain and them performing test to tell me what i don't have"wow" ok no problem i must still be under the influence of that there dilaudid that was injected in my system. the total bill is $10,993.90 if i subtract all this nonsense of $6,338.40 there is a remaining balance of $4,655.50. but get this the hospital is providing an adjustment of $$4,385.56 leaving a unresolved balance of $239.94 i can live with that. now you do the math. see what i mean? now the question is will their billing dept? wish me luck!

MY EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

2008-07-21T23:46:00.003-04:00

as things continue to spiral and at times i feel i'm lost i look i seek and i ask for enlightenment, and although this to me may be painful it is necessary in order to continue!

it's painful because of my perception how at times i feel that this is what it is and there's no turning back. like everything that's happening i deserve, and today after so long of looking and seeking, i get it. i'm on a journey with many paths and trails, there are times were the scenery is bright and breathtaking and there are times where they are dark and scary, i cannot stand still i must continue no matter what stands ahead. it doesn't matter which way i hike something will come up its real, its life we continue. along the way i pick up bits and pieces of skills to survive and continue,its what we all will do while we are living

LEGAL DRUGS

2008-07-18T21:15:00.004-04:00

working in the mental health field for over 16 years i feel that i have been exposed to some knowledge of certain types of medications and their effects and side effects, not only psychotropic meds but all in general most of the times our clients manage to have other medical issues going on, and as their case managers well that's where we learn due to our involvement. so now this care giver is requiring care herself which mind you is a bit difficult for me to swallow since i am so independent and controlling but god willing only for a couple of days!! i'm under medical attention and obviously under medication one of which i would like to place an ALERT on; VICODIN or it's generic equivalent: BEWARE this was given to me for pain, mind you yes the shingles are painful but i'm really not sure that i needed such a potent drug. i took the pill as prescribed thank god i was home at not alone. it was at bedtime and but 15 mins later when i went to lay down i felt dizzy i rested my head on on unrecognized object and grabbed the sheets to hold on to the bed the whole room was spinning and a hot sensation thru my body that was weird i knew i was entering a place that i did not want to travel, i was tripping!!! the next day with pain i thought that i could cut the pill in half and see how that would go; well here's the problem the pain ceased yes but i got a buzz, you know that i feel good sensation, yep im okay... why why why do these pharmaceutical multimillion dollar company allow that. are they banking on our addiction to their products?? look you can't seek something you don't find. if i find a buzz in a medication well the addict in me is gonna want more. what is this chemical, and is it necessary for us to get better or is it for them to get RICH? i know that right now i'm not in the disposition to fight this especially since i'm under their spell, numb lips and all but it sure is something that can easily turn around someones life and mess it up; their are millions of people out their addicted to prescription medication that one day simply went to the doctor for an ailment and HUALA before they know it that i feel good kicks in and their doomed. so what i'm saying is be strong,stay positive,be good to yourself; and if you still require such care get educated!!!

THE ILL DOCTOR

2008-07-14T21:53:00.000-04:00

today i'm appalled frustrated and disgusted!!! after spending the weekend in and out of the hospital i learn a tough lesson: if you don't like what you do QUIT. i was experiencing pain during the week that at one point or another thought that i could tolerate however as the week progressed i noticed that the pain was a bit more than i could handle; so i called my primary physician and was instructed to come in on Monday and if the pain was intolerable to go to the emergency room. Friday night the pain was at a level that i was squirming and decided to go to the e.r. my pain was in the right side of my abdomen close to the liver, gall bladder etc. several test were performed of which all came back negative, of course there was a relief, however the pain was real and there must be a reason, the doctor agreed to perform a cat scan that revealed gastritis i was given pain medication that was awful; i felt dizzy, hot, nauseated, hallucinated, and felt creepy crawlies on my skin, i was tripping it was horrendous, i don't ever want to feel that way,i had no control over my speech, all i could think of was how i wanted control of my body. the effects passed and i was sent home with instructions, and if symptoms persisted that i should return. about 3 a.m. Sunday morning the pain had reached an intolerable level and i was throwing up so i returned to the e.r. there i met DR. JOHN D. MARSHALL attending physician at MERCY HOSPITAL. to try to make things simpler i provided all the documentation of my discharge along with the test results. the dr. walked in and stated that i had nothing i'm trying to explain that the symptoms worsened and that's why i'm retuning and the pain is to great for me to handle also i pointed out that the medication that was given to me the night before was way to strong and that i did not assimilate it well.i explain to him as well that i was in recovery for 17 years and would like some pain relief in the synthetic field. his arrogance and lack of professionalism caused him to say to me "i'm going to give you pain medication but don't come back here are we clear" clear i was that he was a miserable son of a bitch that passed judgement and his opinions or beliefs did not allow for me to receive what i was seeking MEDICAL ATTENTION. when i got home i wanted to shower and i asked for assistance and was told that i had blisters on my back, i took a bath and looked at my back it was full of a rash, shingles was my guess. i spent all of Sunday in increasing pain and with that bastards statement well i grinned and beared it. today finally came, i was diagnosed with the shingles just looking at it was suffice! it had ruptured and had taken over a pretty large area in my back and crawled its way to the front side of my body, the shingles reproduces itself quick. well all of this could have been avoided if this so called dr would have taken the time to look and search for what was wrong i'm blessed that despite the severity of the shingles and how they reproduced in such a short time there is a cure! i don't think doc has a cure for what he's got

I'M FINE

2008-07-10T21:39:00.000-04:00

as i sit here today trying to make sense of my life and all that unfolds i could easily fall into this well known space that brings me down and all that surrounds me,i know its not easy i've heard it plenty of times, but does that make it easier? to be told i'm not alone can be comforting, but what does that really mean? to me its like when you greet someone and ask how they are. more than likely your expecting a "i'm fine"response. what does fine really mean: F*cked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional we smile and say fine and go our separate ways; we know thing are not fine and if someone even tries to express anything other, you see faces and reasons to quickly dissolve the greeting... who are we fooling? why is it so hard for people to reach out?call me stupid but let me tell you that despite all the things that come my way i feel a need to make someones day whether its a complement a joke or just to lead an ear its important, the simple fact of just acknowledging someone is sufficient for them to realize that they are important. in every mind there is a universe and every person has a story, there are many powerful messages out there if only we were to listen. i've mentioned before the extraordinary opportunity that was handed to me at work holding weekly workshops to our homeless population, i've been going there about 4 months now, of course at first i'd share and share some more, about stressors life in general until i shared my story raw and uncut. last week i met an middle aged lady, she soft spoken, petite seemed somewhat average, but what a powerful message did she share; this lady is a recovering alcoholic, homeless at present. she shared a message of hope and perseverance, she shared how she was married and had two children, her marriage ended in divorce and she took to drinking. she kept it a secret for years but it took its toll,at one point in her life she was shot 3 times and left for dead by her assailants and despite all of that she still managed to hit the bottle after escaping death. she searched and seeked that one person that she would identify with, that one person that would acknowledge her; would she then take the leap of faith. today this strong woman with her powerful message has given me hope and strength, i took the time to listen and learn... and for that, today i might not be fine but just simply okay!

UNSCREWING MYSELF

2008-07-09T18:41:00.002-04:00

so as i sit here and contemplate what to jot down, i am bombarded with thoughts and am having a hard time sorting things out. i want so desperately to just be,have some kind of normalcy in my life and kind of go with the flow; i sit and wonder just exactly what that would be i have no answer and if i don't have answers for my problems well then i guess i'm screwed uh, so i set aside trying to think what it would be like if things were different and focus on what needs to change

PRAYER

2008-07-04T11:10:00.000-04:00

at a time in my life that i was a bit more spiritual i would tend to ask god for strength and tolerance so i could deal with all the things that were coming my way. no matter how much i'd ask, pray, plead, or bargain, things would spiral and get out of control i would encounter such circumstances that i would have so many questions and such little answers but still i'd pray and ask for strength and tolerance and hope to believe that god was watching and listening and my prayers would be answered i felt confused and alone, i'd wonder if it's that i'm not such a good person and that's why i'm still in this predicament, i just didn't know i thought that i was being punished, doomed, cursed; and i was, but only to myself i realized that although many mistakes later i'm not such a bad person and even if i feel alone i'm not cause there's this good person that never leaves my completely alone, that these predicament's are a part of life that i must experience, and the curse can always be broken today i pray: god give me the knowledge show me the answers let me be weak and humble instill in me love and understanding with your love and understanding provide this weak and humble soul the answers and knowledge to face my reality and make the best of it my prayers were answered when i was asking for strength and tolerance; but today i'm a bit more careful as what to pray for, do i need all that strength should i have so much tolerance or do i want knowledge and answers, love and understanding?

TIME WITH DAD

2008-07-03T21:27:00.000-04:00

a few months ago i had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know an elderly couple; they are in there early 80s, married for about 50 plus years. almost immediately there was a bond established amongst us, it was instant. i'm not sure where that came from but i have an idea; the old fragile man reminded me of my dad, not so much physically but i guess that his serenity and vulnerability were what called my attention. i've visited them from time to time and would be fascinated by just the fact of their excitement of my visits. yesterday he had a massive stroke, i felt like i hadn't given them enough time, i'm not ready to let go; i drove to see his wife to kind of just provide some kind of moral support, she needed to run some errands so off we went she seemed distant, lost and there's not much i could do; later that evening i decided that i wanted to visit him at the hospital; i hadn't been there since my dads stay and as soon as i hit the parking lot all i could remember was dad, my dad had a stroke he passed about 18 months ago, i never had a relationship with him we were never around each other(see entry: my parents) dad managed to survive 11 plus months after his stroke; thru out this time i pledged to myself that i would make amends with my dad and establish memories that would last a life time i remember going to see him and just talking about stuff we were able to bond forgive and truly forget, the peace of making amends is practically unexplainable, it is a relief a beginning, although my beginning was at its end,the time was sufficient for the purpose that i had set out for. i let my father know that i was truly sorry for all the hurt that i caused him and i believe that he accepted my apologies, we cried and embraced ,hugged and let go. my dad died, but he did it in peace and with dignity, and even though i was not around i'm blessed that i was able to be with him at the end. today that old fragile man; the one that would remind me of dad; died may he rest in peace and may god watch over his widow

WAR

2008-07-02T19:45:00.000-04:00

today it all could have been good but something inside just didn't feel right call it premonition or instinct its that feeling that despite all your efforts to put aside everything that's going on and try to forgive and forget and stay positive, it lurks in the back burner, until well; SMOKE. where there's smoke there's fire, although this to me was a small camp fire it could easily have gotten out of control. cris was caught in an act that well i'll just say was a bit precarious as i confronted him out of no where this kid just blew up its frightening to see your child out of control especially when there's a history of self mutilation and deep deep troubles that haunt him it was a matter of seconds and to hear your son voice out his desire to end his life is a feeling that i think no matter how much i try to explain i can't. i'm desperate, i'm alone, i'm scared, there's this big knot in my throat and a pain on my chest that literally feels as if someone was stepping on me,cris walks out; so with all that's happened in a matter of seconds i call the police i should have them on speed dial by now the police react immediately with the information that is provided and not 5 minutes later they showed up with cris, there was definitely a sigh of relief as i know that today will not be the day that i am to get that dreaded call i so don't want, i've been there before as a matter of fact twice that will be another entry as i don't think that i can share that quite yet. so back to the crisis unit for evals, meds, and referrals; remember that cris was discharged yesterday after he settles down he already knows what to say and how to act in order to come home and do as he pleases. i understand that the crisis unit is not the solution nor is it a mini residential program but the options are limited and i have no other choice but to pursue him being hospitalized for his safety and my peace of mind as a parent. i ask one question today; must the red flags be tainted with blood? something has to give my children are just that children, they are not aliens from another planet and their behaviors are probably not unique although as a parent i feel alone; as i fight this battle i'm baffled,i'm stunned and i'm tired, its been up hill so far and the cargo i'm pulling gets heavier and heavier. the war has been declared and my fight will not cease, while there is still breath in me i will fight, i will fight for my children to be given the opportunity, to be content rather than happy, to be productive instead of successful, and being content and productive will be a success story for them to grasp and build on that foundation. the war is on, there is a purpose ,there is a need. i will not surrender... i remain insane

DISCHARGE PLAN

2008-07-01T18:20:00.000-04:00

well sure enough the time has come where cris must come home from the hospital, as a matter of fact i was surprised that the stay was so long. most of the time they are discharged within 3 to 4 days cris's stay was 6 days. prior to the discharge there is a meeting that is held in this case it was both of us and the team leader your instructed not to upset the child or bring up past history i always wonder what that's about and how can we resolve if in fact its not brought up while its fresh but none the less i follow instructions and try to make sense of all of this as i desperately refrain myself from falling apart i whisper "how are you" and then there's silence no response no remorse no eye contact. i feel like screaming i start to imagine how he's feeling and of course the guilt kicks in and i'm drawn into this dark hole by someone a third of my age quickly i realize that that is not going to take me anywhere,so i regroup and try to stay positive the meeting is adjourned and i'm instructed that i should pick up cris tomorrow by 2 pm great i think well we've been down this road oh about 15 times, what can possibly be different now, but you know what i chose to just live today and tomorrow we'll see the plan inpatient substance abuse treatment (hello we've been there twice) follow up medication management individual therapy as far as the medication goes i can't shove it down his throat and if i am aware that he is actively using i refuse to administer him meds! individual therapy well he doesn't say a word other than i don't want to talk about it you know what i don't want to live it!!! but all that sounds great and dandy but the reality is ONE these are the cards that were dealt to me so i can either play or draw today i choose to play

NO SEX IN THIS CITY

2008-07-01T01:23:00.000-04:00

well as a 47 plus woman straight smack in the middle of MENOPAUSE sex to me is well gross. i'm not really sure when it started looking like this but its been awhile. its just that i'm not motivated and sometimes my ill thinking causes me to wonder why. i work a full time job then i do volunteer work you know the one we as women get shafted with cooking cleaning laundry well you get it and it doesn't end there the list is endless. my day starts at about 6 am and most of the time i'm up til about 10pm doing chores at that time while all thru out i've been ignored and practically invisible i'm noticed as soon as i climb into bed, why is that? it doesn't matter if i'm groomed or what my significant other (we'll call him jackson just maybe to allow myself to fantasize while i write) will turn over and start kneading my breasts or whatever he's able to grab on to. come on where were you for the past 5 hours and if you were so tired to help why are you not sound asleep? this can at times turn into an argument so i opt out to just yep just say forget it buddy!! i also must mention that its not only that it must also be this hormonal imbalance that i'm going thru because sometimes i just can't stand him and sometimes i can't stand myself i personally don't take it personal , if only he could do the same. then there's the other scenario that occurs from time to time where i guess that he just can't take it anymore and kindly tells me honey leave the chores don't worry come lay down rest, well i've rode that avenue and the last thing that i can do is rest cause he's not going to let me uh. plus i'm truly insulted because what is he really saying, hey just do double work tomorrow. so i constantly am looking for ways to avoid this thing that so greatly irritates me (sex) i'll stay up til later and wait til the snoring reaches a certain level then i can creep into bed and be as invisible as i was awhile ago,i upgraded to a king size bed thinking that those 20 inches would give me some sort of independence and of course the one that requires the most effort and i leave only for emergencies is that big plate of hot solid food you know the one that makes you real sleepy. well for now i guess that i'll just kind of ride it out and see if something gives. you know jackson is so anal that if he was to read the title he'd probably suggest that we move to the country, and you know what i'd say yes with only one condition can i go by my self

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

2008-07-01T00:09:00.000-04:00

is it so that a dog is man's best friend? well i have two beautiful precious doggies at home and one thing that i can say is that they are always happy to greet me when i arrive home unlike the other people that i live with. no matter how long you stay out keep them in the yard scold them for chewing on something or worse doing pp in the middle of the living room they are willing to forgive and forget. there is something in the way that they look at me that just makes me believe that i am their world. their disposition is remarkable, they are always willing and able, no matter what time it is their there, no complaints no hassle. i remember a couple of years ago i had surgery back then i only had c.c. boy that girl stayed by my side she would lay next to me as if she was stuck to my body, if i moved she'd look to make sure things were ok i talk to my dogs, i feel that they not only listen but understand. the attentiveness that they are able to give is astounding, so i compare and analyze and come up with these conclusions: my dogs listen to me more than my children they seem to understand what is expected they provide eye contact their happy to see me home their obedient and they provide awhole lotta love as awkward as it may seem it appears that i have done a better job in raising my pets than my children. i don't understand why this journey has been so difficult...
i mean i talk to my children i provide all the basic needs that they have required, i try to support them on the positive things that they would like to accomplish, i try to set an example , i've had more patience than you know, and tolerance up the ying yang. but it all falls back to"it is what it is" and i guess that for now i can take all the love that my pets give me and feel good about that so i can focus on staying positive for my children that need me

IN DENIAL

2008-06-30T20:31:00.000-04:00

as i'm thinking today as what to post i'm in a blank and am having a hard time sorting stuff out. alot has happen in a short period and although i'm used to the hustle and bustle... i feel that i just can't take it any longer. a little less than a week ago there was an incident at home where i realized that one of my sons was using drugs, naturally i confronted him, but of course he denies this happening and then reverts to self mutilation. i can't tell you what could be more disturbing or scary. i don't know what to do, i'm scared, i'm scared for him, for his safety. in febuary we went thru this as well and when i reached out i was instructed in filing a petition in the court, i did. shortly after this he was placed and i held on to HOPE. well about a month into the program he was booted out for threats to staff members. and that was the end of that, i tried reaching out and being supportive and for awhile i did see the effort however the downfall was inevitable. last week i noticed strange behavior and found him in my room immediately upon confronting him he swiftly exited my room and out the house. i tried to see what was he looking for and as i went thru my jewelry i noticed that one of my diamond rings were gone($1500.00) the value of the ring is meaning less the action i probably will get over it , its the fact that in front of my eyes i see a young man that has so much potential and decides to throw everything out the window.i'm trying desperately to seek services for him and as i traveled the substance abuse route and got nowhere today i believe that i should travel another route... i'm seeking behavioral modification rehab program where he will gather the tools necessary to manage his anger, express whats going on or at least understand whats going on within, maybe he can make peace with himself and as he learns to feel good about who he is he more than likely not seek out drugs and much less hurt himself. you know some of us have the ability to disconnect however we can never disconnect from oneself we need to love and understand ourselves for you are the one and only that will always be with you.

DESPERATE CRYS FOR HELP

2008-06-28T22:35:00.000-04:00

As I visited my son Cory today I realized that we as a family are on the verge of a breakthrough, I noticed that his facial expressions were correct with his mood which I must mention was pleasant. I am starting to see the results of this residential placement, its been 3 plus months that Cory has been gone and I have gone thru the emotional roller coaster as I would think that any parent in my shoes would feel. However I believe that it has not been in vain. Today I feel that the system is not failing my child this all seems new to me since I've been in this predicament for years and years, seeking services that I've believed my child needs however the system would not allow it. Different things need to occur prior to a child receiving the much needed help they deserve , to give them a chance to succeed in life. Sometimes things escalate to such extreme that I wonder if we are being just to our children Why must we wait til our children are in such desperate circumstances to act and in some cases react(baker acts, exparte, pc, jail) None of this happened in one day there are tons of documentation that reflects the cry for help that this child so desperately is showing and it seems that they fall on deaf ears. The system is also very overwhelming and one needs much tolerance to deal as if one didn't have enough on their plate. I recall those school meetings where an entourage of folks, teachers, psychologist, therapists, principals would gather to discuss the issues at hand, yes most definitely there are issues however the solutions to me are questionable, why,well if the issues are long lasting 7 or 8 years then the effectiveness of the solution is questionable. In some form or other all that was brought up, but will be placed in the back burner. An IEP is developed for your child with the same services but different wording, what good does that do, and then if you step on some toes be prepared to get the calls, take time off work for the meetings that are scheduled that i have experienced to last up to 3 hours of course no one on the table is complaining well they are on the clock uh! So now I can say that the meetings are not as long but yet effective in every sense of the word. The treatment plan is not as elaborate but and the wording might be simple but boy is it working. So could all of the pain and frustration have been eliminate if those crys for help could have been properly understood? Who's to know. One thing I must acknowledge is that all though we've reached that service that is going to make a world of difference that's going to allow my child to experience the difference in his world, the journey was tough and exhausting, and all along its common sense...

BLUEPRINTS FOR LOADING A DOLLY

2008-06-25T17:58:00.000-04:00

Last weekend was a scheduled work weekend as usual me and my partner met and together organize all of the merchandise we needed to unpack, we utilize a dolly and have debated back and forth on how to place things accordingly, this particular weekend was event less and it appeared that things went smoothly unpacking and setting up. We always get very excited when we accomplish this in one trip and in a timely manner.My partner and I which by the way is my lovely sister find ourselves discussing all the possible ways that we can load the dolly for ease and convenience i recall even drawing out blueprints which at that particular time i thought that it was in genius. On Sunday's we usually start later since the mall doesn't open til noon and as time passes and we attend to our sales i realized that i hadn't visited the restroom, I'm kind of used to this i really don't like public restrooms, so i opted to wait until i got home. well we put everything away and swore that we had it down packed if everything was to go as planned we would be in the comfort if our homes shortly. We managed to exit the mall and despite a little sprinkle we were good, well until we went down the ramp and KABOOM yep you know it everything to the floor, there were some nice people standing by that just jumped to assist, well at that time obviously the blueprints were securely stored under lock and key so we had no other option to just put stuff where ever and plus we were getting help from people that probably wouldn't understand ,well only if they were an "ALVAREZ" Well we managed to head to the car slowly knowing that this whole thing could collapse at any time as it did my friend it sure did. By that time we were in the middle of the parking lot obstructing traffic and of course we would be in front of that courteous taxi driver whom started honking the horn i think that i heard softly "whats the hold up" what do you mean whats the hold up do blind people drive does he not see all of this mess on the floor? Well I'm a firm believer that things that you can not change must be accepted and since that was the case i started laughing, i laughed and laughed i laughed so much then i realized gee i think that i pp'd in my pants, in which with all honesty i did, so off to that dreaded place the public restroom. I managed to resolve this issue and of course my sister awaits til i return probably thinking of just what shes going to say despite me trying as hard as possible to speed up the process when i returned to the car i could see it boy could i see it, she had plenty to say and you know what she was right. Next weekend we will do two trips and more than likely be home on time.

MY PARENTS

2008-06-17T21:33:00.000-04:00

I recall not so long ago watching a movie and crying over a warm hearted story or seeing an elderly person struggle trying to cross a busy intersection. The thoughts of these events or people would haunt me for days.I'd wonder why this would impact me so much and I could only come up with the lack of love and emotion that I was exposed to as a child. And now that my parents would be in there elder years, I would see them in others and my emotions would surface and I would long for a simple glance at me, and feel acknowledged. I left home at a very tender age of 14 back in the days, it was the early 70s life was not as complicated as now, nor were we as exposed to such an array of things that our teenagers are now a days, but believe me it was not an easy journey. Truly one that life dealt me but if given a choice, I would have refused in a heartbeat. I come from a middle class family, I'm the youngest of 4 siblings. I always felt different awkward even, I'm really not sure where that came from but it was there. At home there was absolutely nothing that could be brought to the table everything was taboo, so in essence it was live and learn for the most part. My mother was a very attractive woman in her time, somewhat educated but very selfish and self centered, my father was 14 years her senior and although he was a very handsome man he was very possessive and would display huge burst of violence towards her and his children. My dad was a man from the military and some of his tactics were excessive to say the very least, my mom was very submissive so in essence they made a great couple. As I parted from their home at my moms request, I could only hope to find that same refuge that I grew fond of through the years, so out I went to seek dysfunctional relationships and see if I could form my own dysfunctional family.How nuts is that, but its true, not that I was doing this consciously it was more of a reaction to what I knew. Off to the world went this teenager to encounter heartaches and deep deep troubles, I struggled for many many years, the fact of being a reject and not being accepted by my family, for good reason but the pain was stored and left there unattended for years to come which only brought more pain and suffering. Back then that was not the norm. I always felt that I lived ahead of my time so it was so difficult to find that someone, that could identify and understand just exactly what it is, that I was going thru. There must be a reason for all of this and probably a good one at that, but for now I comfort myself in knowing that life goes on and things change and what back then might have seemed awkward today it seems like the norm, so that is the reason for that anguish and despair it is the reason for my fulfillment today, for the satisfaction I get out of being who I am. It is the reason for the the parents that God gave me.

SAME INGREDIENT DIFFERENT PACKAGING

2008-06-16T22:51:00.000-04:00

At this stage in the game boy does it feel good to be in the position of being able to assist. I don't know who said that it is better to give than to receive but one thing is for sure that they were absolutely RIGHT. Alot of times we focus on ourselves and many a times this could be a good thing as long as we stay positive, once we stir away from that ,things can become complicated and we could easily fall into that deep pity pot we all know ,and for some love. When we as human beings are placed in positions to help people we should recognize are selves in each and every person we come across. I am blessed to be in that position and it is extremely important to me to identify with the person i am trying to serve to hear and comprehend what they are trying to relay to me, to lend an ear and let them know i am not deaf. It could well be that what they are asking for might be unattainable but I'm sure that they felt a whole lot better just being able to verbalize their thoughts. Once the air has cleared then it would be simpler to manage a conversation and start building a re pore. Something we wonder why we suffer or go thru difficult situations in life and at times question the man upstairs, when in fact we should try to seek knowledge and learn from these events and use them as tools to help others. Sure some, even many might not care what you can say about one thing or another but there will always be that one person that has come your way in that perfect moment and will absorb and embrace your experiences and use your knowledge as tools to deal; how good is that! I've recently been visiting a homeless drop in center on a regular basis I go with a co-worker as part of our job duties at first I was somewhat hesitant, not because of the population I have been working with the homeless for over 16 years now, I guess that I wanted to stay in my comfort zone and wasn't up for that challenge, but thanks to my co-worker and his terrific way of seeing life in general I agreed to participate. I must say that it is a god sent. To be able to share time with people that are eager to learn how to cope, and to be accepted by them and have them trust us to a certain degree is a fulfilling thing. To see these folks express their feelings as well as their desires and goals and understand that ,that is a person ,a person with feelings and ideas and seeing that they are being able to communicate, it hits me , as it should to everyone else , we are the same. Everyone kinda wants the same things in life ,well you know the basics: 1)LOVE 2)HEALTH 3)MONEY 4)FOOD 5)SHELTER 6)FAMILY 7)FRIENDS 8)SUPPORT 9)SELF ESTEEM And so I ask myself if we are so different, how can we be so similar? I wonder if one day I'll need services, and I always think about that and how I would like to be treated when in need, again I must say that I would like to be heard and treated with dignity and respect so can it be difficult for me to do now? I think not it is my duty as it is my pleasure...

THE CONDITIONS IN "UNCONDITIONAL"

2008-06-13T22:29:00.001-04:00

As a mom of a couple of teenage boys that are predisposed to mental illness and substance abuse it may become somewhat difficult to maintain the unconditional love motto; that would be just because in essence we are human and can tolerate so much. Many a times I wonder just what it is that I'm doing and is it enough, and as I am doing all of this how come nothing gives! An overwhelming feeling of guilt and pain quickly posses my being and it truly impairs my way of thinking. The good thing about this is that I am aware that this happens and I am able to reach out to an enormous support system that I have established throughout the years. I am quickly given a reality check and as things are put back into perspective I realize that there must be conditions in this "unconditional love" motto. I love my children but truly dislike their behavior, there is no reason why I should tolerate their disrespect and lack of, well just about everything. It at times feels like I'm living with the enemy. We try so hard to protect our family from harm, and in many instances I have felt that they will harm me . We protect our belongings by locking our door and the burglars are inside my home. The destruction is far beyond the material things I feel that I am being consumed little by little each and every day; it affects us all and that yet has sunk in. At times I speak to people and try to explain different circumstances and subject myself to the torturous responses of "WELL ANY CHILD OF MINE MUST DO WHAT I SAY" or "YOUR GROUNDED" even better "NO PRIVILEGES". You know all this sounds great and dandy but when your dealing with a child that is impulsive down right violent and aggressive it doesn't work. When your child walks out without permission regardless of your request it doesn't work, and when you child destroys their own property what do you have to take? So options are limited as so I see it. I refuse to replace any broken items and pray alot for their safety, I no longer can keep them under my wing warm and safe nor have I been able to pass along the necessary tools for them to appropriately manage their behavior in our society. As their mother I have had to lower the expectations that I have had for them, truly this has helped me deal with alot. I have had to give them a large dose of tough love that sometimes is harder on me. I have had to surrender let go and as a parent well that's pretty hard to do when in fact you know that your child is not capable. Constantly I am looking for new ideas, brainstorming, to see just what I can do that could be helpful and alleviate their stressors and maintain them focused and positive, this is and endless task one that I cannot fail I must not falter.

TO BELIEVE

2008-06-09T20:39:00.000-04:00

Wow its been a while now and for those pessimist NO it actually has been quite nice despite. After some time now i have been able to see a shimmer of light far far away but you know i see it, and i must say that's a good thing. My son is in some form or other shedding those intolerable behaviors and is seeing possibilities for himself ; how great is that! I see how he is inquiring about his family and as normal as that may sound to you,to some,to all,is has not been our norm... It would be very interesting living a so called normal life, one that might not have those gotta run and save my family moments, you know i know I'm far from that and can't even fathom the thought of obtaining that kind of lifestyle but for what its worth i must say that i am truly blessed that i have had a vision. A vision of hope to hang on to a true desire to succeed in making it clear to my children just how important it is to stay true to yourself, to believe that life is a journey and lots of times we pick and chose our destinations. Hopefully they will grasp some of this mumbo jumbo that i toss out to them and realize that they what to travel and fill there minds with the great souvenirs that life can give knowledge and experience, love and laughter, hope and desire. For today i continue to strive , i hang on to hope and wait for the endless possibilities that these children can accomplish

MONDAY MONDAY

2008-06-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

Well hello there people, hope you all had a good relaxing weekend.I personally am glad that tomorrow is Monday. I love Mondays truly, you see it is the beginning of our work week school week or whatever functions you might partake in its the beginning believe me.

So if I wake up with positive thoughts and take care of myself be it meditation, prayer, or just trying to beat the clock, staying positive will allow me to see things in a different light be more objective as well as aware of my surroundings, in essence it GROUNDS you. Tomorrow I will be driving to the hospital where one of my children recently had NEURO SURGERY and we are going for a follow up visit, I will be meeting him there you see he is currently placed in a residential facility to address awhole array of issues that have been going on, surgery was kind of my last hope to see a change but when my child came home after surgery and started banging his head against the wall my whole world crumbled. And to that you can add physically trying to attack me, did I mention that my son is 6ft 2ins tall and weighs over 300lbs. You know despite all of that its going to be a great day gee a great week. I visited my son today as a matter of fact his twin brother 'Cristian' was able to come visit him they hadn't seen each other for over 3 1/2 months; the visit was truly some what miraculous you know the kinda way you would like brothers to be and to behave , well you know that kinda thing I was touched as was i impressed. These kids never got along EVER!! To see them shake hands and embrace each other, well that's just it right there. All the effort all the time, stress and sleepless nights were worth it just for that single moment. A moment that I will embrace and frame in my memories. After the doctors visit Cristian and I will be headed out to a court hearing for a MARCH MAN ACT resolution hearing; You see Cristian has been dipping and dabbing and despite my efforts to counsel him seek social services he choose to continue in that path a path that I know well, a path that I so don't want him to take. But tomorrow will be new will be wonderful will be exciting not only for me but I hope that for you to ...

ARE WE THERE YET

2008-05-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

How fast can I get there and how many miles per gallon am I getting from my experience? Well hopefully more so than my practically new mid sized suv, and at practically $4.00 per gallon it seems that I'm not doing much traveling these days. So where does that leave me? Uh let me see, around the corner perhaps,well if I incorporate the glass half full frame of mind then I'm at a good place cause I'm close to home. See what happens is how we look at the things that surround us and if we were to think of just getting to the corner as a bad thing well we probably would become depressed because we did not accomplish getting far, but if we take things for what they are and accept things that we cannot change(for today)we are in our comfort zone. So with that said I'll just retrace my steps an happily unlock my front door... BYE

creation

2008-05-29T21:30:00.002-04:00

Hi guess what its me. I've just created this space for myself as a forum to express my thoughts and ideas.